Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008 - (Page 12)

Commentaries Reflections on AASECT’s annual meeting “This is what we call safe sex in New Orleans.” — Smitty C onferences are a place to learn, share ideas, engage in intellectual battles and inspire. At really great conferences, like AASECT’s annual gatherings, participants often have many of these experiences, sometimes in the same day. After June’s conference in New Orleans, two members wrote to us, sharing their commentaries. We include them here. If you have any additional experiences, we’d like to hear from you. — Annette Owens, Editor Five lessons sex therapists can learn from Cajun dancing By Sari Eckler Cooper After attending the wonderful AASECT conference in New Orleans in June and taking in all the inspiring ideas, exercises and emotions from the speakers and fellow attendees, I stayed on and went to Tipitina’s Sunday night to dance at their weekly “Cajun Dance Fais-Dodo” — a dance party they’ve run for the last 17 years. For the uninitiated, Tipitina’s began as a neighborhood bar, and became a world-renowned music hall of New Orleans music. On arriving at Tipitina’s, I was swept up by a man called Smitty. He brought all the bar patrons together in a circle to teach us the basic steps of Cajun dance and embrace his culture through dance. In one evening of dances with several local men I heard many sayings that can be useful to clients when they seek healing in our offices. So I compiled a list of the top five lessons we sex therapists can learn from Cajun Dancing. 1. As Smitty was twirling me again and again and I just couldn’t stop laughing and smiling in joy he said: “Come on, let that little girl out to play.” This invitation reminded me of D.W. Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, who stressed that creative play is a source of healthy ego strength and integrity. Authentic play is one that is without a specific goal or knowledge of what the steps are in getting from the beginning to the end of playtime. For many clients for whom anxiety prohibits connection with their own body’s sensation and/or their connection with a partner, the concept of non-goal oriented sexuality is extremely helpful. If we use the term play in treatment and ask them about other times in their life they were able to play in a relaxed, creative manner, we may then encourage them to explore how these interactions can be translated into their sex lives. For others who may never have truly experienced true play due to traumatic histories, creative non-sexual play exercises (creating music or painting) that they can do on their own at first and then with a partner can help them access their creativity in safe steps. Clothes on touching of non-genital areas that are not considered triggers can incorporate game-like features like children do in clapping games that have no winners or losers. 2. As another slower Texas Two-Step waltz allowed me to catch my breath and I explained what conference my colleagues and I had been attending, Smitty smiled and said: “Well, this is what we call safe sex in New Orleans.” This “lesson” reminded me of the wonderful Tantra workshops given at the conference by Sally Valentine and Suzie Heumann as well as the early morning class taught by Francesca Gentille and Stephen Braveman. These workshops got us up to move in ways we may not have been familiar with to awaken our mind to new thoughts, our bodies to new movements, and our spirits to new possibilities. In my practice, I am always on the lookout for creative practices my clients might have done as children or are doing currently that make them feel relaxed, engaged and passionate. The more we can encourage clients to explore new or old ways to engage their physicality and spirit, the wider a repertoire of pleasurable, erotic safe sex they will have to explore. 3. At Tipitina’s it is expected that both women and men can invite one another to dance. Treatment often reveals the pressure some partners feel in continually playing the role of initiator. I’ve heard many people say: “After constantly getting rejected I finally just stopped asking.” This statement, when it gets unpacked in treatment, can bring up feelings of frustration, shame and abandonment by the initiator and the pressure or sense of intrusiveness felt by the partner who has been approached. But if we explore it from a systemic stance regarding the roles each partner has adopted, we offer them the opportunity to discuss and empathize with the pressures that both these roles can impose on the other. 12 Contemporary Sexuality www.aasect.org | September 2008 Vol. 42, No. 9 http://www.aasect.org

Table of Contents Feed for the Digital Edition of Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008

Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008 Contents The Myth of Teen Promiscuity Member Spotlight Book Reviews News of Members Quick Hits: Sex in the News Reflections on AASECT's Annual Meeting

Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008

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