Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008 - (Page 13)

By offering them a chance to try the other role on for a while as a take-home exercise they can challenge their beliefs about themselves and their partner while freeing the relationship from a rigid structure. I’ve heard men say in treatment: “I’m so stressed from work all week; I would love it if she initiated and allowed me to be more of a follower in sex sometimes.” The discussion of being the invitee in sex offers our couples the opportunity to discuss a myriad of beliefs, fears and expectations that can be understood and at times shifted in subtle or at times more global ways. The underlying meanings of initiation and being invited can include how one feels about being a man/woman in their social/family context, their level of self-esteem, and the level to which they feel entitled to get their attachment needs met. 4. “No need to apologize, my wife and I agreed a long time ago to forget about the apologies and just keep on dancing.” This was a response I got after apologizing to my partner after tripping over my feet at the beginning of a quick Zydeco tune. This saying is so important for our clients for whom the perfect sexual interaction becomes a goal and source of pressure for both partners. The understanding we can give these clients that there may be times that sex is just okay, downright unsatisfying or at times fantastic teaches them a resilience in the face of disappointment while still being able to stay connected to their partner. 5. Our spirit is ageless when fully and creatively engaged in an activity. All through the night I had watched a tall, lithe, red-haired woman dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and cowboy boots dance with her much younger partner. The woman’s face showed years of experience, while her body expressed vitality and grace. I leaned to my neighbor and asked if the graceful redhead had been a professional dancer and old she was. He chuckled and said: “No, she just dances four times a week around town. As far as her age goes, we say somewhere between 40-70!” When our clients come in angry, disappointed and ashamed about the way their bodies are functioning, our goal is to help them heal from the loss of their former physical health, encourage them to find a new union between their “new” bodies and the spirit and mind that allowed them to feel vital in the past. Many women in my practice reveal the shame and embarrassment around the way their bodies look. As a therapist I collaborate with clients on activities they can find which will allow them to feel their bodies’ strength and ability from the inside as opposed to how they look to others. Cajun dance offered me a night of pure enjoyment and more reminders to bring back to my clients. I can’t wait to go back to my Tango lessons! — Sari Eckler Cooper, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and sex therapist based in New York. In defense of Sex and the City By Hani Miletski During a discussion of Sex and the City at AASECT’s recent conference, one panelist dismissed the popular television show and movie as vacuous and too full of beautiful people. I believe that critique overlooks many of the show’s positive aspects, which have brought millions of women many enjoyable moments to me. First and foremost, Sex and the City is a story about women’s friendships. Like many women, the women in the show seek love and companionship with men and with women. But, in the end it’s their friendships with each other that supported them through bad times, helped them realize their paths, and empowered them as women and human beings. Of course the characters are far from being role models, and Carrie and her friends are far from being perfect. But, this is exactly what makes many women able to relate to the different characters, to the various situations, and to the fact that they are not perfect. Charlotte, conservative, shy, and proper, marries a man who “can’t get it up.” They divorce and in her second marriage she deals with infertility, adoption, and parenting issues. Carrie, the narrator, is a serial monogamist. Miranda, the pragmatic attorney, ends up dating and falling in love with a non-professional man. She gets pregnant, has a child, and then marries the child’s father. And Samantha, the more mature, very open-minded woman, hates commitment, refuses to settle down, and will have sex with anyone, anytime. Most women can find at least something to identify with among these characters and their issues. Many female clients have admitted to me how much Sex and the City helped them, and many of their partners have thanked me for recommending the show. Although they appeared to be just another silly chick flick, the show and the movie dealt with very important issues: breast cancer, infertility, body image, un-planned pregnancy, parenting, erectile dysfunction, oral sex, low sexual desire, sexual role playing and many more. continued on page 14 “Many women in my practice reveal the shame and embarrassment around the way their bodies look.” — Sari Eckler Cooper September 2008 Vol. 42, No. 9 | www.aasect.org Contemporary Sexuality 13 http://www.aasect.org

Table of Contents Feed for the Digital Edition of Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008

Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008 Contents The Myth of Teen Promiscuity Member Spotlight Book Reviews News of Members Quick Hits: Sex in the News Reflections on AASECT's Annual Meeting

Contemporary Sexuality - September 2008

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