Contemporary Sexuality - December 2008 - (Page 10)

Book Reviews continued from page 9 Two elements that would have helped this book mightily are: 1) Some compassion for the fact that some gay men feel the need to be dishonest or to closet their homosexuality; and 2) an examination of why many of the women seemed to ignore such obvious cues. — Stephanie Buehler offers some valid alternatives. The book fails to adequately deal with the range of factors that lead some porn consumers to become hooked, or the variety in human sexual interaction that is not problematic. As the authors point out, however, many readers will need to seek additional professional support to prevent “relapse.” Thomas Graves, MS, MEd, EdD Candidate, LPC is a sexuality/sexual offender psychotherapist living in Lancaster, Penn. He can be reached at tmgraves@mail.widener.edu. ——— The Straight-Up Truth About the Down-Low: Women Share Their Stories of Betrayal, Pain, and Survival By Joy Marie. Creative Wisdom Books, 156 pp., $16.95. Reading this book initially left me speechless. Since my entire practice is devoted to sexual concerns, I am always seeking out books that I can recommend to clients. My hope was that this volume would give a good overview of what it means to be married to a man who comes out as gay, and how to handle the situation. But The Straight-Up Truth about the DownLow will never make it to my list, and I daresay you wouldn’t want it on yours, either. Here‘’s why. While I can respect the fact that the women’s stories recounted in the book reflect their voice of truth, the stories all contain a common theme: Man seduces woman into marriage; man seems to exploit the marriage as a cover-up for his gay activities; man lies to woman; woman makes discovery; marriage blows up and ends. Not a single couple is shown really grappling with the situation in which they find themselves in a mature way. Instead, the women interviewed all react in a homophobic manner, calling their spouse’s homosexual behavior “vile” and other choice words. In the entire book, there are maybe 3 or 4 paragraphs of compassion toward the man who has chosen to closet his homosexual orientation. Women are told they have “two choices,” either leave the relationship or “make him promise he’ll never have homosexual contact again.” The possibility of opening the marriage is not broached, nor is the option of remaining friends. The beginning of the book sets the reader up to be repulsed by gay activity. There are ample descriptions of anal activity, written as if no straight man or woman would or could enjoy anal play. The author seems to think it’s strange that gay men would enjoy looking at someone else’s penis, or that sexual experimentation is flat out wrong. Reference is made to how “disgusting” it is to think about kissing a man who has given another man fellatio or had oral/anal contact. Yes, of course, there are legitimate points made in the book. When a couple has taken a vow to be monogamous, cheating is cheating, whether it’s a man with a woman or a man. There are issues of broken trust — always heartbreaking — and serious and necessary warnings about contracting an STI (though this is true whether a partner is gay or straight and has extramarital sex). The book also includes a handy dandy list of things that might indicate that a husband is on the “down-low.” And the term “down-low”? It comes from the black community, where, we are told, many men keep their gay orientation secret, staying “downlow” from detection. The straight couple on the cover is black, and the couples in the stories seem to be black, but no reference is made to differences in cultures, something I would definitely have been interested in. Two elements that would have helped this book mightily are: 1) Some compassion for the fact that some gay men feel the need to be dishonest or to closet their homosexuality; and 2) an examination of why many of the women seemed to ignore such obvious cues. If a partner is emotionally and sexually unavailable, if he spends money that he doesn’t have, if he’s out on the town more nights than he’s home, there are already problems that need to be confronted. As I read these women’s stories, I wondered why they stayed in the marriage, regardless of their husband’s orientation. Reviewed by Stephanie Buehler, MPW, PsyD, CST. She can be reached at drbuehler@cox.net. Other new books by AASECT members ——— As much as we like, we cannot review all new books. Instead we aim at reviewing a wide range of new book titles. Here is a list of new books that have not been reviewed. Your Orgasmic Pregnancy: Little Sex Secrets Every Hot Mama Should Know. By Danielle Cavallucci and Yvonne Fulbright. Hunter House, 2008. $12.95. 8 Erotic Nights: Passionate Encounters That Inspire Great Sex for a Lifetime. By Charla Hathaway. Quiver, 2007. $22.95. Erotic Massage: Sensual Touch for Deep Pleasure and Extended Arousal. By Charla Hathaway. Quiver, 2008. $19.99. I Love Female Orgasm. By Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. Da Capo Press, 2007. $15.95. 10 Contemporary Sexuality www.aasect.org | December 2008 Vol. 42, No. 12 http://www.aasect.org

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Contemporary Sexuality - December 2008

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