Clean Run - August 2018 - 30

Optimistically, I'd like to refer to this
exercise-ish program as cross training for agility. If you're like me, an easily
bored agility aficionado, who wants to
be competitive but who can be waylaid
by what's in the basket on a competition
cooking show and would never actually climb onto one of those depressing
robot bike foot-stomping machines in a
gym, here's a cross-training program that
can help you stay in shape as the spring
and summer trials approach. Beach bodies for bikini season, totally a thing of
the past. I just want to get through four
reds in Snooker without asphyxiating before I finish the closing. And, me and my dogs need an hour of close to feral every
day to remind us that there's more to life than crown molding,
stainless steel appliances, and dual vanities, or lack thereof, in
the en-suite master bath.

Cardio Plan: Select at Least One
Every Day
Street Walking
There are leashes for this, the fast walk or slow jog, where
you drag the dogs, or they drag you, and therein, you have
your fitness. Do the fitness. Go faster! Usually, this walk happens in the dark and may feature clogs as footwear. I have a
light up dog glow collar and strapping this on Gustavo makes
me feel like we're on an excursion through Burning Man. This
helps us walk faster and to break up the monotony. I always
wave at the security cams when we walk by the survivalist cat
guy's house. Go 'round the block once more for extra walking
around steps logged if you have one of those cyborg bracelets tracking your body fluids and reporting them back to the
some corporation's dark web marketing department.
Beach Walking
This kind of walk, since dogs know exactly how to get to the
beach, maybe involve a certain amount of dragging. Super arm
workout! If your dogs get extremely excited by certain things,
say, bikes peddled by a wetsuit-wearing humans with surfboards on board and dogs such as Rio the black lab from next
door chasing them, like to the point of really, truly, embarrassingly freaking out, this walk has occasional hiding behind vans
or in front yard bushes of people you don't know.You get to
the beach, you walk to one end and then the other, over and
over. The dogs get pummeled in the surf. Much frolicking, with
occasional stopping to find heart-shaped rocks. It's a pretty ok
way to log some miles.
Forest Walking
On a better day, it's to the forest we go for a three miler,
always at the crack of dawn. We hope the coyotes are settling down for the morning nap, and that the mountain lions
are busy eating whatever they caught in the dark of the night
before. And that we can roam on our own without having to
dodge rangers who maybe aren't fond of my fitness regime.

I select my forest for relative isolation yet
still offering convenient parking. Run-ins
with wolf-sized coyotes or any sized mountain lions render these forests unusable for
three-month windows, so my hope is always that daily wildlife viewing is limited to
skunks, bunnies, squirrels and other similar
thicket-loving animals we know from Bambi.
I walk, the dogs run, everyone is happy.
Running
As you may be gathering, this is not a thing
I do without really great motivation. Running on an agility course is great motivation.
Another thing that can get me going is running away from
Gray Hair Old Timey Tweed Cap guy. He's basically my personal trainer. The way it works is, he slinks out of the brush
or sits on a stump near where we are going to walk through,
deep in the darkest part of the woods, usually near the creek.
When we breeze through at our maybe two mph breezy fast
walking clip, he jumps out and starts yelling and chasing us,
albeit at a fairly slow rate of speed. I still don't know what
he wants, he never makes any sense, but he sure sounds mad
whenever he sees us. Since he carries a duffle bag that I'm not
positive doesn't contain weapons, this is our cue to run really
fast all the way down to the creek, walk back up the steep hill
towards the meadow, then take the long way back to the car.
Stay out of the meadow, obviously.
Mr. and Ms. Forest Rangers are also our personal trainers.
Long Gray Beard Old Guy with the giant backpack is now
downgraded to not one of our personal trainers. When we
stumble across each other, and he tries to scare me by flapping his arms and making owl noises, I'm not scared anymore.
Maybe just slightly faster walking when we see him. Other
personal trainers include the Skunk Family, We are Really Late,
and the Monica the Corgi From Around the Block is Loose.

Bonus Exercises That Aren't Too Sporty:
As Needed
Squats
Tighten glutes. Reach down. Pick up a small, wet dog, dry with
towel in arms. Set back down on a towel. Repeat as many
times as needed. Also works for plucking pokey twigs and pine
cones out of fluffy dog pants.
Recalls
Nobody should do agility without a recall. Here's a great way
to make sure your dog's recall is good enough. Find the deer
family. Wave your arms! They take off running unless they're
the super useless neighborhood deer that nothing scares off.
A flock of baby turkeys will work in that case. If you can call
your dogs back when they scatter, fantastic! Will help you
lots in agility. Lose your dog into the woods? Keep practicing.
More cardio for you if you need to go find them. Maybe don't
practice with bears, and you can always buy a really long piece
of rope 'til you get good at this. Cookies!

Clean Run | August 18

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Clean Run - August 2018