Colorado Singles Resource Guide - Fall 2007 - (Page 29) Mary ann: HOW DO yOu HAvE A HEALTHy SExuAL RELATiONSHiP WHEN yOu’RE SiNGLE? ruth: You have to start by asking yourself what you consider a healthy sexual relationship to be. That’s really something everyone has to figure out for themselves. As a single person having a sexual relationship, or potentially becoming involved in a sexual relationship, you have to determine what you think is sexually healthy. You need to look at your values and decide. Thinking through that decision, and becoming aware of your beliefs, is part of growing as a single person. How you go after what you believe is healthy sexuality as a single person is, in a lot of ways, no different from what you do in a marriage. Try to live according to your values. For some people, that involves a more limited range of sexual partners or sexual behaviors, which other people might consider overly conservative. For other people, sex when you’re single may be a time of exploration and experimentation, re-examining your value system, and learning about yourself through sexual experiences with a variety of partners. That’s why sex is so important for single people: It is one way you become the person you want to be. first, or you end up in a situation you didn’t anticipate. For example, a one-night stand sometimes turns into something more. As the emotional connection deepens, does your responsibility to keep your partner accurately informed of other relationships increase? Some people would say yes, while others would say that was never the deal Mary ann: WHEN SOMEONE iS DATiNG TWO DiffERENT PEOPLE AND HAviNG SEx WiTH EACH ONE Of THEM, HOW CAN HE OR SHE HANDLE THAT iN A MATuRE WAy? SHOuLD ONE TELL THEM ABOuT EACH OTHER? ruth: I think the answer follows from what I was saying before. How do you determine what is mature? Every person makes a decision of what they think is a mature or realistic way to handle this, whether they realize this or decide explicitly or not. Whether you tell either partner about your having sex with someone else is going to be based on your past experiences in relationships and your values. Also, the explicit or implicit agreement you may have set up with either partner about having a monogamous or sexually exclusive relationship dramatically changes things. Do you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” understanding in an “open” relationship? Or, say you’re having two one night stands. Are you going to tell them about each other? Probably not. Or, perhaps you or circumstances have led one or both partners to believe you’re not having sex with anyone else, and now you’ve changed things without notice? That’s an entirely different situation. Do you “play your cards close to your chest,” or do you correct your partner’s erroneous assumption? It always boils down to the kind of relationship you want to have with other people, and how honest you are with yourself. from the beginning. If you’re having sex with one partner in an established relationship, and you have sex one time with someone else, should you say something? Knowing your values first is hard because they are often specific to particular situations, especially when dealing with situations you’ve never encountered before. But how you handle things, one way or another, reveals what your values really are. Mary ann: SO i’M HEARiNG yOu SAy, “KNOW yOuR OWN vALuES fiRST.” DaviD: Yes, that’s really important, but these are not one-size-fits-all kinds of issues. Sometimes you don’t know your own values w w w. s i n g l o c i t y. c o m 2 http://www.relationshiptoolkit.com http://www.singlocity.com
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