Colorado Singles Resource Guide - Fall 2007 - (Page 30) Are you taking the easy way out? Are you giving your partner the fairest shake you can? If you know you don’t want more than casual sex, have you made that clear to your partner? Singles often don’t realize that when they start being sexually active in an ongoing relationship, they are actually setting up the norms for the relationship as a whole. Sometimes they try to fool themselves by rationalizing, “Well, the relationship is not serious yet.” A sexual relationship is a lot more than physical sex. You are setting up many things that will affect you and your partner throughout the course of your relationship. It helps to look at that. ruth: If you’re becoming sexual with someone, and it’s important to you that they don’t have other sexual partners, then be clear with yourself and with the other person. Ask the right questions to get the clarity you need. In a newly developing sexual relationship, you can get involved with someone who keeps things close to the chest and there’s a disconnect between what one person is expecting or wanting and what the other person is doing and thinking. Many times people end up feeling hurt, disappointed and betrayed when they find out their new sexual partner is also sexual with other people. However, they themselves have not expressed their sexual preferences and expectations, or actively avoided direct discussion. So if sexual exclusivity is important to you, you may need to have that conversation. Obviously, some people prefer not getting into much detail early in a relationship. But don’t be foolish and set yourself up to be disappointed or to feel used. relationship, or they’re still trying to reconcile. In contrast, some newly single people have sex as a way of marking where their old emotional investment ends. That’s not the same as getting involved on the rebound. To know what’s best for you, you have to look at the dynamics of your relationship and scrutinize yourself in ways most of us want to avoid. Mary ann: WHAT DO yOu MEAN By “THE WAy MOST Of uS WANT TO AvOiD”? DaviD: One of the hallmarks of our work is helping people to see themselves through their sexuality. This is the shift from focusing on technique, or focusing on things like orgasm and sexual dysfunction, to helping people see that sex is really about personal growth that we call differentiation. [Dr. Schnarch’s definition of differentiation is “the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love… Differentiation is the key to not holding grudges and recovering quickly from arguments, to tolerating intense intimacy and maintaining your priorities in the midst of daily life. Differentiation isn’t a trait. It’s a process of taking our own ‘shape.’”*] The issue is not how you find a partner to have sex with you. It’s really about establishing a relationship with yourself in the process of having a relationship with someone else. That’s true whether you’re in a long term relationship or you’re single and sexually active. Most of us don’t have a good relationship with ourselves, whether we’re single or coupled, and that’s why most people have sex with their eyes closed and the lights off. We don’t want our partner looking at us, really knowing us, while we’re having sex; we don’t want to look at ourselves. Intimacy is being known and most of us do not want to be known. We just want to be validated and accepted. We want to be validated and accepted for who we are, but we don’t want “whowe-are” to be known. We want our partner to validate us first. It’s a squirrel cage of “I don’t want you to know who I am. I want you to validate me for who I am, and then maybe I’ll let you know who I am.” Intimacy is actually very challenging. If being known makes you feel insecure, it also is very anxiety producing. Most of us can handle only low levels of intimacy. That’s why we start acting crazy when the relationship starts becoming intimate. We’re looking for someone to love, accept, and validate us, The Issue Is noT how you fInd A pArTner To hAve sex wITh you. IT’s reAlly AbouT esTAblIshIng A relATIonshIp wITh yourself In The process of hAvIng A relATIonshIp wITh soMeone else. Mary ann: fOR THE NEWLy SiNGLE, HOW LONG SHOuLD yOu WAiT BEfORE yOu GET iNvOLvED iN AN iNTiMATE AND SExuAL RELATiONSHiP? HOW CAN yOu TELL WHEN yOu’RE READy? DaviD: That question goes to what are the reasons why people have sex, and why do we get involved with another person. For instance, when you are newly out of a relationship that lasted four months, that’s not the same thing as when you’ve been married for 15 years and now you’re back on the market. Some people getting out of a 15 year relationship are truly ready to go at the first opportunity. Others need more time. Many have sex to build up their reflected sense of self, which perpetuates the same problem they had in their marriage. Or they get involved before they’ve gotten out of their prior 0 FALL 2007
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