Colorado Singles Resource Guide - Fall 2007 - (Page 31) and sex is often the bait. Once you understand and accept that your partner wasn’t put on earth to validate you or make you feel secure, relationships make more sense, and you feel and act more sane. ruth: In David’s first book, Constructing the Sexual Crucible, he proposed a view of intimacy that was very different from common understandings. He said intimacy is about making core disclosures about yourself in the presence of a person who is important to you. It’s not about reciprocity necessarily. “I’ll tell you about me if you tell me about you,” creates emotional gridlock in relationships. Intimacy is “I want to be truly known, and I want you to know me as I am, even if you or I might not like what you learn about me. I have to deal with my anxiety about this potentially turning you away from me. Can I soothe myself even if my self-disclosures lead to your disapproval?” Stretching yourself to show who you really are is what intimacy is really about. DaviD: Who you are in single life sets the stage for your next relationship. If you can’t be single, you have no business getting married. Mary ann: THAT BEiNG SAiD, WHAT DO yOu THiNK ABOuT PEOPLE WHO GO STRAiGHT fROM ONE MARRiAGE TO ANOTHER MARRiAGE AfTER A DivORCE? DaviD: They often end up being our clients. (laughs) Mary ann: yEAH, THE PEOPLE WHO juST NEvER SPEND ANy TiME ALONE. DaviD: Right. If you can’t live with yourself, you’re going to find it very, very hard to live with somebody else. If you can’t live with your own insecurities, you will find marriage provides no safe haven from insecurities. As your relationship develops and deepens, each one of your insecurities will inevitably be challenged and brought to the surface. Many people are just postponing the inevitable by thinking they can avoid dealing with themselves by finding somebody else and forming a relationship. ruth: Sometimes rushing into another intimate relationship is really an attempt to get validation from a new partner. Many people who get divorced have some sense of failure or anxiety about “is there something wrong with me? Why did this happen to me??” They rush into another relationship to avoid a personal relationship with themselves, the very relationship that would help them have a different kind of relationship with another person. As David was saying, they often end up becoming our clients because the same issues surface in their next relationship. At first things may seem rosy and everything is great. You may feel you’ve found someone with whom you can actually have a good relationship. But before long, the same personal development issues you struggled with in your first relationship surface. * From Dr. David Schnarch’s book: Passionate Marriage, Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, Henry Holt & Company, 1997. This book has been translated into seven languages. w w w. s i n g l o c i t y. c o m http://www.PamBabbitt.com http://www.TidesofChange.com http://www.TidesofChange.com http://www.singlocity.com
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