National Jurist - January 2008 - (Page 70) OFFTHEBENCH A law student’s ‘final’ revenge How professors would suffer if students prepared exams ’ve prepared a test to hand out to every professor as a little reminder of how not to write their final test questions, since in all likelihood, they haven’t written a final exam themselves in over 25 years. Directions: This is an open book and note test, containing two parts: Part A contains three multiple choice questions, which should take you roughly 15 minutes to answer; Part B contains 1 essay question (by far the easiest test distributed in the building), by Ryan Borgmann which took me five minutes to write, so I think you can finish in 10 minutes. Of course, you will only have three minutes to finish the entire test, and the time began two minutes ago when you started reading these overly difficult directions. Good luck! Part A 1) In preparing the Final, which of the following statements best describes the method I used: A. I spent hours on-line scouring other law school websites, attempting to find some other professor’s Final B. I used the questions from when I took the same class 30 years ago, because after all, if I had to do it, so should you C. I don’t know, I teach this class with two other professors and since I drew the longest straw, I didn’t have to do anything except find new pictures to ‘update’ the next edition of my book D. All of the above E. A and B F. B and C G. A and C H. None of the above (Are you thoroughly confused yet?) 2) To help you with your questions pertaining to the Final, I will be: A. In meetings with my publisher, the American Bar Association, my State’s Bar Association, the three Bar Review Services which employ me, and a headhunter to find other committees to consume my time. B. Available for only two hours, which directly coincides with one of the other exams you are taking. C. Enjoying the outdoors, like every other person not in law school. D. On vacation, maybe in another state, but most likely on another continent. 70 3) My goal for this year’s Final is: A. Give a fair and even evaluation of the material covered. (Ha! This is a trick question, for this is impossible) B. Break the school record for Fs given. C. Break the school record for complaints. (Both directly to me and to the dean’s office about the quality of my teaching ability) D. Break the school record for bodily material left at the test. (Tears left on the table and/or test, fingernails pulled/bitten off, hair pulled out, etc.) Part B Additional Directions I decided to add some more directions for Part B of this test, much as you would, to further aggravate you. I failed to previously mention that Part A of this test was worth 5.3% of your final grade, and this essay is worth 83.7% of your grade (I know that only adds up to 89%, but I want to make sure no one gets an A). I figured this grading scale was consistent with your grading scale, and by failing to mention it until now, you have wasted most of your three minutes on Part A, so I would start writing if I were you (but I’m not, ha ha again). Essay Question Describe every case you assigned your class to read this semester. I need the name and full cite of the case, along with a complete synopsis of the case’s significance, what the judge had for lunch on the day he rendered his decision, the complete subsequent history of the case, and every student’s in-class comments on the case, including the ones you adamantly opposed. Oh, one more thing, I have decided that this essay portion should be closed book and notes. Please close everything, place it on the floor, and begin writing. And if you start to realize that maybe this is a little too difficult (even with your 15 year-tenure as a professor) then maybe, just maybe, you will be a little more lenient in writing your final. Or maybe I am screwed because I wasted my time writing this test. Ryan Borgmann is a 2004 graduate of Valparaiso University School of Law Got something funny to say? E-mail Jack@CypressMagazines.com THE NATIONAL JURIST January 2008
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