Grand Magazine - July/August 2008 - (Page 53)

see TJ in the Batman costume that we bought. That one hurt for a while.” Part of joining a new family is participating in events and holidays, but these events are often fraught with conflict and hard feelings when stepfamilies are involved. Debbey Ryan, of Lafayette, Louisiana, is step-grand to 3-year-old Ender. She says, “I’m the go-to person for the important things like handing out money and gifts, but there is never a family event where someone doesn’t hurt my feelings.” Brenda Rodstrom, a licensed therapist in New York who specializes in stepfamily relationships is herself a step-grand. At the naming ceremony for her stepgranddaughter, she recalls, “The biological grandparents had small roles. I did not, and that was fine. I know who I am and who I am not, and I am comfortable with this. Someone else might have been offended to not have a formal part. If that happens, let it go; enjoy what you have.” She points out that big family moments and events are breeding grounds for unresolved family issues, which is why they often erupt into ugly confrontations. Her advice? “There are enough stressors at events—this is not the time to make a statement.” Developing a comfortable role as a step-grand takes time and patience. Jennipher Cole, the program coordinator for the Family Life Education program at DePelchin Children’s Center in Houston, works with stepfamilies and offers this advice: “Try not to force the relationship. Blending families often means balancing many different family styles, expectations, routines and relationships.” Cole suggests we let the parents (our stepkids) know we want to have a positive relationship in which the families are able to spend time together with open communication and a minimal amount of conflict. Everyone needs to “We never even got to see him in the Batman costume we bought!” make their expectations clear and to be able to listen to what others are saying. It is important that grands not judge step-grandkids if they have a hard time engaging in a relationship right away. Sometimes kids feel that the grands expect an immediate bond. This may not be realistic. If the children do not feel welcomed, or if they feel pushed into the new family, they can become resentful, angry and frustrated; and this creates obstacles to bonding. Cole also emphasizes, “It is important that you and your spouse are on the same page.” If the grand couple (one bio and one step) are able to talk—and resolve—issues about relationships with the grandkids, a discussion with the rest of the family about expectations, rules and hopes for hurt-free participation in family gatherings will be more productive. A grand couple who is not on the same page sends mixed messages to all the generations, increasing the chance of emotional wounds and decreasing the opportunities to form new friendships. Susan Newman, author of Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren, suggests that creating bonds with step-grandkids can be done gradually. “Approach them more on a friendship basis, rather than trying to be a grandparent figure. Be available but not insistent. Be positive, and avoid criticism.” One of the best ways to improve your relationship with a step-grandchild is to work on your relationship with your stepchild. Rodstrom reflects, “Your relationship with your step-grandchildren will mirror that of your relationship with your stepchildren. Talk about how you would like to be part of the child’s life.” It is very important, she stresses, to follow the wishes of the child’s parent; for example, if they ask us not to buy expensive toys, we shouldn’t. Rodstrom also suggests that if we have biological grandchildren, the step relationship may become even more complicated. If your bio grandkids are close in age to the steps, it is not difficult to treat them the same; but if there is a big age difference, there is no way to treat them “the same.” Geographical distance can also be a factor in how the relationships unfold. Rodstrom says we should talk openly with the parents—both our children and our stepchildren. “When the grandparents treat the step-grandchildren differently, it is resented by the parents and the step-grandchildren.” We can diffuse these feelings and find ways to avoid them in the first place by bringing them out in the open. Schneider sums up the role of the stepgrand: “You need to ease in. Realize and accept that you are not ‘first chair’ when it comes to grandparenting.” However, we need to remember also that children are rarely as attuned to the differences between bio- and step-grands—and we are people they love; we are a part of their family. No matter what. G JULY AUGUST 2008 GRAND 53

Table of Contents Feed for the Digital Edition of Grand Magazine - July/August 2008

Grand Magazine - July/August 2008 Contents Grand View: Love Is All That's Left Isn't It Grand?: Reassessing the Postponed Life Grand Central Just So We Know: One Mixed-Up Lemon Long-Distance Love: Cuttings Ask Grand: Stuck on Stuff Grand Gestures: "Thanks for the Ugly Gift" Tips on Teens: All That Doesn't Meet the Eye Live Long and Propser On the Cover: Peter Yarrow Presents of Mine Thicker Than Water? Reunions: White Water, White Knuckles The Grand Gourmet So We Are Not Alone Looking Grand: Suit-Able Grandbloggers: Why Watch TV When We Can Talk? Grand Bazaar Resources Grand Finale: What Boat

Grand Magazine - July/August 2008

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