GRAND Magazine - April 2009 - 27

Suffering through Dr. Kotchick suggests… salient,” Dr. Kotchick says. “Children begin to pull away from their families, shying away from publicly observable displays of affection with adults.” Though girls, who tend to draw more of their self-esteem from relationships, may exhibit more overt symptoms than boys, this phase of dawning self-discovery produces some degree of upheaval in the lives of virtually all preadolescents. While grands may grieve the abrupt termination of the 10-year honeymoon they’d enjoyed with their grandkids, tweens are preoccupied with new priorities, including pursuing deeper friendships on the basis of mutual interests and compatibility, rather than on convenience. “Adults can glimpse the person the child is to become during this time,” Dr. Kotchick says. “As she struggles for increased independence and freedom, there may be arguments about rules and responsibilities, or even more overt defiance of adult wishes.” One of the stronger influences during this crucial phase is the urge for conformity within the peer group. Fears of being seen as “different” can even motivate a tween to make seriously dangerous decisions, such as resisting urgently needed medications (insulin, antidepressants, etc.); noncompliance of tweens and teens is well documented in medical literature. “Being different,” even when it is as benign as hovering grandparents, is a source of anxiety. Grands should be mindful also of the increasing academic pressure the child is probably facing as he or she approaches middle school. “Students are expected to complete more projects or assignments over an extended period of time,” Dr. Kotchick points out. “There are expectations for increased independence and self-management. It is not unusual for children in this age group to appear moody and unpredictable. It’s almost like having one foot in childhood and the other in adolescence; so on one occasion a child may seem very mature, organized and well put together, but on another occasion may seem childish or immature.” Not every child shows outward evidence of this inner turmoil. Myra, 28 and an accomplished professional, recalls the conflicting emotions she suffered in guilty silence during the start of those middle school years when her grandparents, enjoying an early retirement, attended her recreation league basketball games with an “annoying regularity,” often hugging her afterwards or lingering in animated conversation on the court. “I felt embarrassed and awkward,” she admits. “But I didn’t say anything, because I knew they were there because they loved me and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.” >> • Give your grandchildren more space. if you see them pulling away from a hug or kiss, try a handshake or a pat on the back. if they cringe when you use their nickname in front of their friends, save it for when you are alone with them. • If your grandchild shows signs of wanting to be treated more like an adult, give it a try. Allow for more responsibility and more freedom (within age-appropriate limits), and show that you trust them. Be clear about your expectations and show them that you notice when they meet them. • Above all, talk to them. if they pull away from you or seem to be ignoring you, discuss it with them privately, at a time comfortable for you both. tell them you are wondering how they felt about whatever you said or did. • Try to remember how you felt as a tween. Know that your grandchild’s feelings toward you probably have not changed, but the way they express those feelings may. As Jill soon discovered, when a grandchild teeters on the brink of adolescence, a grandparent may be uniquely positioned to provide comforting and even therapeutic levels of patience and understanding. unconditional love—combined with the degree of objectivity we couldn’t muster when our own children were going through the process—can carry the day. APRIL 2009 GRAND 27

GRAND Magazine - April 2009

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - April 2009