GRAND Magazine - May/June 2013 - (Page 44-45)
Make the most of time spent with your grandchildren
BY susan hoffMan
I suppose I should be happy with what I have, but I can’t
help but want more when it comes to spending time with my
For some reason, my access to the kids is monitored. I have asked
many times for permission to take them out alone, and the response is
always the same: “No” . . . no explanation given.
I just don’t get it. This is so frustrating because whenever I visit my
grandkids, they always beg me to stay longer and ask to come to my
house. I can tell this annoys my daughter by the way she brushes them off.
My daughter makes me feel so uncomfortable the way she scrutinizes everything I say and do. I wish I could be myself and take the kids
on a relaxing outing without her. I was thinking about having a heartto-heart with her about my feelings and how much this hurts the kids,
but I am afraid of the consequences.
— Monitored Grandma
I understand your desire to be more involved in your grandkids’ lives
and your disappointment when that doesn’t happen. The conflict stems
from the discrepancy between your expectation of the way the grandparent-grandchild relationship should be and the reality of how things
really are. Mom has her way of doing things and you have yours, and
unfortunately, they are not in sync.
First, lose your expectations about the situation, and the frustration
will begin to melt away. What counts most is that you have the oppor44 GRAND
MAY JUNE 2013
tunity to visit your grandchildren and be part of their lives. So be grateful for what you have rather than fretting about what you don’t have,
and do your best to improve the quality of the short time you’re given.
As for your uneasiness during visits, that is something only you can
change by changing your attitude about your daughter and focusing
more on enjoying the children.
Expressing your feelings about visitation time in the hopes of tugging
at the parent’s heartstrings and making them regret the hurt they have
caused won’t work. As stated in A Precious Bond:
“The parents do not want to hear about the grandparent’s feelings. Some have boldly told the grandparents that their feelings are
not a priority.
“Maybe grandparents feel better expressing how they feel to the parents, but it won’t help. Do not spill your guts hoping to make them understand your feelings about your grandchild or even emphasizing the
child’s feelings. They are the parents and don’t need to be reminded by
the grandparent about how the visitation issue is affecting the child.”
Susan Hoffman is the author of A Precious Bond and
the director of AFGGC, producers of A Precious Bond,
the first documentary film about unreasonably denied
grandparent visitation. Visit apreciousbond.com for
more information or to order the film or book.
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MAY JUNE 2013 GRAND
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - May/June 2013
GRAND Magazine - May/June 2013
You’ve Come a Long Way, Granny
The Grandest Gift
Born Free’s Virginia McKenna
My Aging Brain
Judy Cockerton: Foster parent and innovator
10 Best Story Books for Babies & Toddlers
Fun Toys for Kids of All Ages
News, Products, Tips, and Resources for Today’s Grandparents
Sure Cure for Senior-Time Blues
It’s a Wonderful Life
When a Child Is Removed from the Parents’ Home
GRAND Magazine - May/June 2013