GRAND Magazine - September/October 2016 - 39

invisible grands

CONNECT WITH GRAND

Are ghosts from your past haunting you?
BY PAT HANSON

ecause it offers an excuse to put on a mask,
dress up any way I'd like and play pretend, I
prefer Halloween to Christmas. In Mexico and
South America, Halloween is known as The 'Day of
the Dead' Dia De Los Muertas, an occasion when
families gather to pray for ancestors who have died
and to support them on their spiritual journey, which
I love. Soon after Halloween, the obligations and
expectations of Christmas take over and memories of
holidays past, some unpleasant, come back to haunt
me.
Invisible grandparents, those unable to see their
grandchildren may feel like ghosts, but we are not
ghosts. We are real. All most of us want is to play an
important role in our grandkids' lives. If you feel like
a ghostly presence, or are haunted by ghosts in your
past, here are 5 things you can do to banish those often
self-imposed goblins and get on with your life.

Realize that the rules have changed. Our
adult children are inundated with so much new
research-from how to parent to feeding infants, and
handling the terrible twos to disciplining teenagers-
that our suggestions may sound like criticism.
Don't take all the blame. Don't assume that your
adult child's behavior is all because of you.
Our children's lives are on a different course than
ours. Let go of self-blame or shame.
Surrender guilt. Psychologist Joshua Coleman,
author of When Parents Hurt and creator of
webinars for estranged parents, calls guilt our
enemy. "The more you make your child feel guilty,

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39 GRAND

SEPTEMBER OCTOBER 2016

the more you'll shut them down and drive them away."
And it's also not productive for you to feel guilty. Dr.
Coleman suggests that we compartmentalize our feelings
of grief or hurt to avoid contaminating our entire life with
bad feelings. If you can't control the pain, feel those feelings for a set amount of time, then do something you love
to do.
Admit your mistakes and seek reconciliation. In
Becoming Grandma, author Lesley Stahl encourages grandparents to own up to their mistakes. "Grans,
you need to sit on your grievances. Look, we all know we
made mistakes as parents. Okay-so admit it. Don't let
the verdict of restricted access stand. Take it to the appeals
court, and be humble. Grovel. You may have to act like a
defeated army that surrenders unconditionally."
Volunteer to help other children. Programs
like Foster Grandparents and Big Brothers/Big
Sisters have hundreds of kids who need gracious
grandparenting.
Make your Halloween season about trying on new
masks, different roles. Imagine your future great grandchildren asking questions about and honoring you,
their ancestor. Peel away the layers of the onion that are
making you cry, and embrace the unconditional love
deep in your soul.

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Dr. Pat Hanson is a seasoned health educator,
public speaker, and workshop facilitator. She
is the author of Invisible Grandparenting:
Leave A Legacy Of Love Whether You Can
Be There or Not. She lectures nationally on
Aging Positively and is a columnist for the
magazine: Crone: Women Coming of Age.

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Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - September/October 2016