Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 2005 - 10

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Subtext

Beeb Salzer

Hate
I saw a bumper sticker that said, "All people who hate should
be killed." I hate some things, well maybe not hate, but I have
strong dislikes. Then again, maybe I do hate just a little bit.
Could it be that we define ourselves by what we hate? I hate
therefore I am. Can we have a theatre that has any value unless
it shows us ideas or characteristics we should hate? Loving everything would be horribly dull.
Many of the things I hate are petty annoyances rather
than tantrums, screaming-they-should-be-killed, hates. There
are those who run red lights, whom I'm convinced must be the
same people who spit out chewing gum in parking lots. And
why is it when I find a screw on the floor, I can never find what
it came out of? But while these annoyances are only now and
then, I do often chafe at the swiftly deteriorating accuracy of
our language.

In some cases the razzmatazz is all the play
is about and in those cases I'd like to see all
the technical fireworks in fifteen minutes so
I could then go home and read a good book
or watch a baseball game.
The speaker puts his lecture notes on the podium. NO!
Unless his arms are very long and he is farsighted, his feet are
on the podium and his speech is on the lectern. And a conductor stands on a podium, his music is on a music stand.
When out of politeness and as an expected way of greeting, I ask someone how they are, I don't expect to be told
about their morality or generous deeds. So when they reply
that they are "good" I know nothing about their physical
health. Moreover, I'm sorry that they are not having fun in
some kinky way.
In the theatre, the number of people who refer to a flat
backdrop as a cyclorama is astounding. Bicycle-two round
wheels, motorcycle-round wheels with a motor, menstrual
cycle-oh well, all those cycle things go around. And a cyclorama goes around as it curves downstage. The rama part has
to do with a scene as in diorama or panorama and explains
the use of a cyclorama to represent distance by eliminating
most other masking.

Please enter your sixteen-digit card number and then
press the pound key, your SDSU red ID number, your password, your license number, your social security number, your
home phone, your business phone, your fax number, your
wife's birthday, and so on, for many, many other requests for
numerical information. Evolution did not gives us brains that
can store all these numbers. I hate it that I can't remember all
the iteration numbers of my computer programs. Do I have a
6.2 or a 6.4? And then the problem is compounded by trying to
remember all the numbers of theatrical products. It seems every control instrument, sound device, plug, has a number in
its name. Is that a 120 I need or a 64? And then, how can one
remember all the gel color numbers? Between different manufacturers there must be a million numbers to remember. I hate
numbers unless they're large ones on a check.
I get the pips when directors can't make up their minds
as deadlines approach and pass. They should be put in the
same circle of hell as directors who have made up their minds
from the beginning and won't listen to suggestions.
And even though I may be a traitor to my profession, I
have no tolerance for shows that are all about technical prowess. In some cases the razzmatazz is all the play is about and in
those cases I'd like to see all the technical fireworks in fifteen
minutes so I could then go home and read a good book or
watch a baseball game. I'm not terribly interested in "how did
they do that?" because most of the time I know how. I am interested in "how did they get all that money to do that?"
SPCA should mean The Society for the Protection of Actors. Increasingly, I have noticed a practice employed by young
directors who have actors on stage while the audience is coming in and remain on stage during intermission. I feel sorry for
the actors and worry about the condition of their kidneys. And
I'm pained as I watch them trying to find things to do on the
set that turn out to be unnecessary. I asked one director why
she subjected her cast to this torture and she said it put the
audience in the mood. All it does for me is put me in the mood
to be bored. Shouldn't a play begin with a bang and not with a
whimper?
What I hate most is that all my complaints, my curmudgeonly rants are the result of my age. I'm old school in the age
of rap. I'm wrinkles in a time of belly button rings, and worried about my loss of hair in an era when young men with hair
shave their heads. What I hate defines me and it's not a pretty
picture while I struggle to stay young. ❖

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Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 2005