Theatre Design & Technology - Summer 2008 - 10

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CLASSICS REVISITED by Beeb Salzer
I've seen a few and heard and read about many more: the à la
mode reworking of classics. Hip-hop, country, rap, or whatever
music is added to make the classic relevant and accessible. Not
only is music de rigueur, spectacle with moving lights and scenery and flashy costumes are necessary. So classics, those works
that have lasted the test of time because of their ideas or poetry,
are replaced by a theatre of emotions. This being the case, I offer the following concepts to anyone royalty free.
"Mom, Dad, and Me"

Ed, given up for adoption years ago by a teen-age mother, enters on his motorcycle, (loud engine noise required), rides up
a ramp to cross a bridge where an old man is fishing. Startled,
the fisherman falls off the bridge into a pool of water. But Ed
has not noticed. Soon after reaching the next town, Ed and the
town's people get news of their mayor's death by drowning. Jo,
the mayor's young widow, is comforted by Ed and soon a romance develops, symbolized by the couple flying over the stage
costumed as mourning doves.

... those works that have lasted the test of
time because of their ideas or poetry, are
replaced by a theatre of emotions.
Skip to many years later when Ed and Jo and their four
children, Annie, Essie, Theo, and Pol, are visited by Tyro who
witnessed the death of the mayor. The shock of the event has
caused Tyro to suffer psychosomatic blindness that is told in a
dance number with moving projections of the first scene played
over and over. At the end of the dance, we see Tyro lying on a
shrink's couch as he regains his sight.
When Tyro fingers Ed as the man who caused the mayor's
death, twelve ten-foot test tubes are flown in. A rainbow of colored liquids in the test tubes bubble and smoke while a chorus of white coated technicians chants, "DNA is real OK." Of
course, tests prove that Ed is son, husband, father, and sibling
all at once.
The production ends with a full-stage court scene lifted
by elevator. It is forty feet tall and the walls are made up of
humans wearing orange prison jump suits. Ed is lit by six 30K
down lights as he is convicted of sexual offenses against almost
everyone there. He is sentenced to get no closer than two miles
to any living being. (An alternative ending has Ed's eyes put out
as the chorus sings "I Only Have Eyes for You." And then a
blood-red rain falls.)
"Scandals Live"

Set in a mansion wired with hidden TV cameras, Scandal Live
is a TV show with the intention of probing the dark secrets of
families who for some reason have agreed, for money, to be

humiliated for money. A panel of experts tells embarrassing
tales about the family hoping to goad them into confessions. If
the panel is not satisfied with the answers, the contestants have
to take lie detector tests.
The show takes place in a large central room, the walls of
which are made up of giant TV screens. So that contestants do
not know they are being spied on, when they are on stage, the
screens are static pictures of a great room.
The experts, dressed in evening clothes, are either Hollywood critics or over-the-hill actors. Ben Bite reports for the
TV show Stars in the Dirt. The Italian Ima Dour was once a B
movie actress. And Olive Sneer writes a column for Revealed,
a national tabloid.
The contestants are brothers, Charley and Joe, their guardian, Pete Tease, his young wife, Tess Tease, Tease's ward, Mary,
and Don Surf, the long absent but now present, rich uncle of
the brothers. This group is casually dressed, the brothers in
shorts, the two older men in expensive country club clothes.
The two women are in form fitting sundresses.
Charley is the family black sheep. He is questioned about
his reputation for being a wastrel but admits to everything. Mary
is forced to say whether she loves Charley or Joe. Modestly, she
denies love for either. But she is given a lie detector test while
"Like a Virgin" plays in the background. Millions of viewers see
that she has the hots for Charley.
The audience watches a video of Joe trying to seduce Tess.
He has her mostly undressed when Charley comes in and Tess
ducks into the bathroom. The panel confronts Joe with tales of
a near seduction but Joe denies it all. After the lie detector finds
Joe lying, Pete Tease, a generous and caring husband, decides
that his marriage to a young woman was his mistake, relieves
her of her wifely duties and gives her a handsome allowance.
Tess, floored by this generosity, falls into Pete's arms swearing
her love and future fidelity. Rather than being happy at this turn
of events, the audience is disappointed that Pete and Joe don't
go at each other's throats.
Finally, Charley and Joe are asked if they love their uncle
who has supported them over the years and who is deciding
to which nephew to leave his fortune. Both brothers claim
to love their uncle. Again the tests find that Charley is telling
the truth but Joe is not. Surf says his fortune goes to Charley,
Mary agrees to marry Charley, and Charley promises to forgo
his profligate life.
Fireworks go off, a chupah is flown in (the family is Jewish) and panelist Ben Bite (formerly Bitensky), a part-time
rabbi, marries Mary and Charlie. The whole cast dances a hora
and the audience is asked to join in.
Be my guest. v

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