Campaigns and Elections' Politics - January 2008 - (Page 24)

Eve Fairbanks Candidates, Here’s Your New Year’s Resolution: From Hannibal to Nixon, there’s a perfect role model for each of the contenders. Be Somebody Else T he problem with New Year’s resolu resolutions is that they’re always too small. I know: the self-help experts tell us to focus on “achievable” goals, those little lifestyle tweaks like, “Don’t buy cookie dough logs unless you actually intend to bake them.” But vows like that are too easy to break. Life wants a bigger challenge. In this spirit, I offer some sweeping resolutions to the group of people who need full-on transformations most—our presidential candidates. The stakes are too high for them to settle on puny goals in January. Let’s face it: Bill Richardson is not going to win Iowa by passing on that third slice of pizza. So here’s my suggestion to all those pols: resolve to be more like somebody else. No, not Ronald Reagan. Think bigger. Hillary Clinton: Resolve to be more like Hannibal. I don’t mean the Hannibal who ate human ﬂesh in Silence of the Lambs—although I suspect a portion of the American population believes Hillary does that already. I mean the Carthaginian general who scored a place in Machiavelli’s handbook on leadership for a rare feat: He won huge victories with an army full of mercenaries. Team Hillary has always had a mercenary quality. She has neither the natural union base of John Edwards nor the powerful charisma of Sen. Barack Obama. Her followers aren’t behind her because she’s lovable.They tend to be big shots aligning with one of their own or people trying to bet on the winning horse. Hillary’s campaign has done a series of cutesy videos to try to warm up her image. But the lady who threatened to stiletto her health care enemies and brushed off sweetas-a-puppy Obama on the Senate ﬂoor will always rule with a whip. So embrace the real you, Hillary. It worked for Hannibal. He pumped up his mercenaries by promising them plunder, while always remembering that it’s better to be feared than loved. Rudy Giuliani: Resolve to be more like Eng England’s Henry V. From his former police commissioner Bernie Kerik to Monsignor Alan Placa, a priest still working for Giuliani who has allegedly molested boys, Rudy has a major friend problem. When Henry was just a young Prince Hal, he, too, palled around with a band of unsavory thieves led by the supremely decadent Falstaff. But when it was time to become king, Hal knew some ruthless de-friending was in order. “I know thee not, old man. Fall to thy prayers,” Hal sneered at Falstaff during his coronation— and then banished the man from within 10 miles of his person. Who wouldn’t love to see Rudy deploy a similar line on Kerik? “I know thee not, Commish. Get out of here—and don’t get any closer to me than Yonkers.” John Edwards: Resolve to be more like Rocky Balboa. The son of a poor mill worker, Edwards talks an angry, rich-against-poor game. But with his $400 hairdo and moviestar good looks, he’s way too stylish. None of us wants a pretty boy to be our commanderin-chief. We like our presidents to have been through wars and show it. Rocky was a rags-to-riches guy too, but his face was battered from the ﬁghts it took to get to the top. Edwards’ clothes should be a little coarser, his manner a little rougher—and a badly bruised nose from dust-ups with Wall Street villains wouldn’t hurt. If the transformation means college freshmen start putting up pics of Edwards in boxing trunks next to their Bob Marley posters, well, that might not be such a bad thing. Mitt Romney: Resolve to be more like Cleopatra. Why? Because Romney’s new friendships with right-wing evangelicals still feel as fake as a high school airhead’s scheming before the vote for Homecoming Queen. After all, this is the guy who was pro-choice and gayfriendly just the other day. Cleopatra—now there’s someone who knew how to change sides. Egypt’s queen successfully threw over her own dynasty and climbed into 24 Politics January 2008

Table of Contents Feed for the Digital Edition of Campaigns and Elections' Politics - January 2008

Campaigns and Elections' Politics - January 2008 Contents GOP Retirement Woes Getting Girls to Think Politics Movers & Shakers: Karen Hanretty If I Had It To Do Over: Mike McCurry Eve Fairbanks Column Cover Story: Mike Huckabee Hopping the Pond GOP: The Next Generation 5 “Truths” About Women Voters Reds & Blues: States in the Spotlight High Road/Campaign Doc Bookshelf Dick Morris Column John Zogby Column Techbytes Playbook Coming & Going: Who's Where Campaign Sign-ups Marketplace Quips & Slips

Campaigns and Elections' Politics - January 2008

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