The Roanoker - July/August 2014 - (Page 13)

R THE GOSSIP (TOTAL NONSENSE) Gossipman: The Homes Edition From window treatments to mice in the kitchen and the definition of escutcheon . . . well, all your questions are answered. DEAR GOSSIPMAN - My wife and I have been having that classic fight over her wanting new window treatments and my thinking that what we have now is just fine. Do you have any advice? -J.B., Roanoke You and I both know, J.B., that water with just a little vinegar in it is the best window treatment ever. Set her straight on this. Q . I've been noticing these giant hornetlooking things outside of my screenedin back porch lately, G-man, and I wonder if I should be worried? -B.C., Roanoke County Those are carpenter bees, B.C., and very much like rogue driveway re-paving contractors, they are always hanging around this time of year trying to pick up easy carpentry and decking work that they then don't complete; their MO is to go ahead and drill holes where they tell you you should add like a plant hook or bird-feeder mount, hanging off the porch. And then they disappear! Report these spurious contractors immediately to the Bee Bee Bee. old guy hanging around in his pajamas. Now that ol' Skritty has been gone for a year or so, we have started to see the random mouse scurrying across the kitchen floor late at night, and guess what? You got it, she wants a damn cat! Plus who knows if the dog will even get along with a new cat! What do I do, G-man? -D.V., Vinton It's a slippery slope, D.V., and it's your job to make sure it doesn't get to the sliding. Immediately quote a few song lyrics to her about the lady who swallowed the fly, and then the spider and then the mouse and then the cat and then the daggone dog. Ask her which she'd rather have, a couple of innocent mice, or having the dog for Thanksgiving dinner. Q . My wife and I had this cat, see, for years, and she like hated the poor guy - especially when he got old and occasionally peed in the house and never went and got his shots and stuff anymore - just an I t's a bird she swallowed in the song, Gossipman - a bird, not a mouse. -Mrs. D.V. Hey, birds can get into your house too! There are just so many things in these troubled times that can lead to eating the dog. JOSEPH MACKARETH Q The Big Domestic Question: Is the penchant for over-entitlement on the part of a cat worth it in exchange for possible mouse control? THE R OANOKER.COM . We're just about to realize our lifetime dream of building our very own home, G-man, but there are several terms that the contractor keeps slinging around like we already know what they are. Can you help us with definitions of a few? Here they are: soffit, cantilever, escutcheon and stud. -C.C., Salem Always glad to help, C.C. Soffit is a technical term for what happens right near the gutters; it's the part you have to re-coat once all the paintsoffet. Cantilever is what happens after you and your wife go so deep into debt to build the house that you're stuck with her forever. Escutcheon is just a fancyrestaurant word for snails. And stud is of course the word for the guy who just had all those answers for you. I JULY/AUGUST 2014 13 http://www.THEROANOKER.COM

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of The Roanoker - July/August 2014

The 360
The Flavor
The Gossip
The Gist
The Calendar
Brainiacs 2014
New Threats to Cyber Safety?
Can You Go Home Again?
Fall Fashion in the Green Room
Great Family Sapces
Home Advice From the Experts: 10 Great Tips
What's Your Home Worth Now?
Dining: Summer Treats Around the Valley
The Dish
The Perfect Weekend
Education Excellence
Top 100 Realtors

The Roanoker - July/August 2014