TM - October 2007 - (Page 42) recruitment & retention assessment & evaluation compensation & benefits performance management learning & development succession planning with the strong negative emotions that conflict stirs up, it is easy to see why conflict is difficult. A first step toward personal conflict competence is to understand how conflict unfolds and why we respond the way we do. Conflict is generally described as a situation in which people have apparently incompatible goals, interests, principles or feelings. It starts when people say or do something that might prevent us from getting our way. When this happens, it is very easy to attribute some kind of negative motive to their action — perhaps we think they are trying to gain a political advantage. Almost immediately this triggers a negative emotion (typically fear or anger) in us, which leads to a response, often some kind of fight-or-flight behavior. This behavior is part of our survival makeup, and at times, it helps protect us from danger. In organizational settings, though, fight-or-flight responses do not work well toward people with whom we have ongoing working relationships. Poor responses typically create negative reactions from the other person and begin a cycle of retaliation. • Slow down. When you find your emotions rising and feel like the next thing you say or do will likely be destructive, it is time to take a timeout before you do something you might regret later. By delaying your response, you can regain your composure before working on resolving the problem. During the break, take some deep breaths and think of something pleasant to take your mind off the conflict. Alternatively, you can try just being aware of your feelings (observing them without identifying with them). This process of reflecting on what is happening can help remove some of the tension from the moment and allow you to regain balance and composure, which you will need later. • Gain perspective. Once you have calmed down, you are ready to engage in trying to resolve the conflict. The first, and perhaps most important, step is trying to understand the other person’s perspective on the issue. This involves asking questions and trying to listen very carefully to the other person’s thoughts and feelings about the matter. This can be challenging for many reasons. First, we know we are right, and the other person is wrong, so why should we bother listening? We also feel that by listening to that individual, somehow it appears that we agree with him or her. The truth is that listening can bring many benefits — you might learn something. Some of the tension will lessen because the other person has a chance to feel heard. Finally, you are more likely to be heard too if the other person feels you have respected him or her enough to listen. Given the challenges of conflict, people need to learn how to slow down the process so they do not automatically jump to negative conclusions about other people’s motives. They also have to learn how to control their emotions and transform their behavioral responses from destructive ones into constructive ones. A second step involves learning more about how you respond to conflict. In our programs, we usually use the Conflict Dynamics Profile assessment instrument to help individuals better understand what kinds of behaviors in others trigger conflicts for them and how they behaviorally respond to workplace conflict once it starts. Whether you use an assessment instrument or just reflect on what irritates you and how you behave when conflict occurs, it is important to develop self-awareness as part of becoming conflict competent. Given the challenges of conflict, people need to learn how to slow down the process so they do not automatically jump to negative conclusions about other people’s motives. They also have to learn how to control their emotions and transform their behavioral responses from destructive ones into constructive ones. Begin by doing this: • Express emotions. Emotions are a natural part of conflict, and they need to be acknowledged and managed. Many people we talk to say they are reluctant to express their emotions at work, perhaps because it could make them look weak. When we ask them whether they have emotions associated with workplace conflict, they all agree they do. What should they do? People should share their emotions at an appropriate time and place. Let things calm down first, and then let the other person know how his or her behavior made you feel. That person might not realize you have been hurt, and it is important he or she understands how you were affected so as not to continue behaving the same way. The 42 October 2007 talent management magazine www.TalentMgt.com http://www.TalentMgt.com
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