NYLON - October 2007 - (Page 54) clockwise from top right: in the truck, testing one of my 340 new skills, bringing packages to a|x, my hand truck, delivering ali’s new champagne flutes. time. The packages must be loaded in a specific way, but the fumes from the idling trucks are making me so sick I can barely follow along. Each item gets logged into the tracking device, which I call the Giant Blackberry. I see a package addressed to a Mister Mark Wahlberg go by, but alas, my truck is not the one in which it will be transported. Because I’m a newcomer, UPS is definitely not handing me a full day’s load. So after I play at loading the big kids’ truck I’m given a truck with just one set of packages, bound for A|X Armani Exchange. As I set off with Anthony in the driver’s seat, he starts to tell me about the 340 method— that’s 340 rules for driving a UPS truck. You have to check your mirrors every five to eight seconds; when you brake you have to pump three times to warn the person behind you; you have to have your hands on the wheel at ten o’clock and two o’clock; and on it goes. We set off along the West Side Highway towards the A|X headquarters in Chelsea. I’m fascinated, and slightly terrified, by the fact that the doors are open, but with all these safety rules I assume I’ll be OK. When we arrive, I learn how to load up my hand truck (a metal push cart) and roll it up the ramp to the service elevator. Regular readers will know I’m afraid of most elevators, but not service elevators, which have an attendant, a gate, and a lever; finally I can take the freight elevator and not have to explain myself. I arrive upstairs at A|X, where one of my best friends and TOP TEN REASONS WHY FASHION AND UPS BROWN frequent collaborators, director of publicity and special projects Ali Smith, happens to work. I decide to break with GO TOGETHER UPS protocol and deliver her package directly to her desk. 10. Brown is more adept at jet-setting around the world She starts laughing, as does her entire team. Everyone’s than Paris Hilton. fussing over my outfit, but I don’t have time for all this 9. With brown, you never have tomfoolery. I need her signature on my Giant Blackberry to worry about a “wardrobe so that I can get my cart back into the truck and finish the malfunction.” job. (After all, the average UPS person’s walking pace is 8. Brown’s handheld three feet per second.) computers are cooler than Ali insists on following me outside to see the spectacle your iPhone. of me with truck. She’s impressed by my salt-of-the-earth 7. Brown can get your stuff work ethic (if not my Uggs), but mostly is just excited that through Customs faster than The Donald can say “You’re her eagerly awaited champagne flutes from Crate and Fired!” Barrel have arrived on time. I feel a surge of pride seeing 6. Two words: Brown shorts. that I have pleased my customer. Job well done. But one 5. Brown will respect you in last thing before I return to my day job: I have to give my uniform back, although I was secretly hoping to keep it for the morning afternoon and the next day. Halloween. I guess I’ll order something similar online and 4. Brown means never having hope it makes it on time—better call UPS. to say you’re sorry. 3. Brown’s tracking gives packages more visibility than Lindsay on the Red Carpet. 2. Brown measures twice and cuts once, just like you do. 1. Brown is as reliable as your little black dress.
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