SoCo Magazine - May 2008 - (Page 70) underthesheets Talk to the Experts • Investment Management Services • Trust & Estate Administration • Guardianship Services • Estate Planning Services • Custodial Services having good sex by andrew aaron P TRUST COMPANY 10 Davol Square, Suite 200, Providence, RI 02903 866.628.1995 | 401.751.2702 | F 401.751.5741 www.coastlinetrust.com 70 | s o comagazi ne . i nfo | M ay 2 0 0 8 lenty of people have sex, but many fewer people have good sex. Bad sex is just plain bad. Communicating one’s sexual needs, while important, isn’t easy. The best condition in which to create a good sex life is to pair it with love. The following advice is intended to aid in providing a vocabulary to better express one’s sexual needs. Because each of us is unique, what we experience as pleasurable and satisfying is different for everyone. Sex is more than just skinto-skin contact or the stimulation of nerve endings. The following five factors, if fulfilled, result in a sex life that can be considered a good one: frequency of sexual activity, quality of partnering, degree of passion, amount of sexual variety, and the level of excitement. And every individual would rate the importance of each of these factors differently. The frequency of sexual activity is how often people have sex. Sexual frequency is the most common complaint between partners, especially in a relationship where the partners have different levels of sexual desire. The degree of passion is the amount of energy devoted to the other person during sex. Passion is an expression of how strongly a partner desires to merge with the other person. It’s equated by many people with the amount of love and desire that a lover has for a partner. The presence of passion makes sex meaningful. The quality of partnering is an important element in determining how good sex is. It creates the feeling of togetherness. Of all the factors, this one is the hardest to define and has many facets. It’s summed up by the level of emotional investment a partner has in the sexual experience and in the other person’s pleasure. It may be measured by how present and responsive a person is to a partner and to the uniqueness of the moment. Included in partnering is the amount of ownership a person takes in what happens and when and how it happens. In a sexual relationship, it’s beneficial if each partner takes the lead at some time. Flexibility is an important characteristic in a lover when it comes to control. It’s equally important to be the one in control sometimes as it is to let go of control by surrendering to the other person. Vocalizing one’s pleasure informs the other person about a lover’s momentary experience. And the way a lover touches the other can make all the difference between turning the partner on or creating irritation. Sexual variety refers to the many methods employed to stimulate, excite, please, turn on, and interact with the other person. For many people, sexual satisfaction means that many different ways of giving and receiving pleasure must be included for sex to remain exciting and interesting. The final factor is level of sexual excitement. All the previous factors contribute to excitement, but it’s also influenced by outside elements, such as mood, energy level, tension between partners, trust, unresolved conflicts, and privacy issues. High excitement universally causes a sexual experience to be rated as a good one. It’s produced by the elimination of negative factors, the ability to relax, and by giving sexually pleasurable touch. Sex is so important in a relationship that it really should be good. Andrew Aaron, LICSW, AASECT, is a love relationship and sex therapist who practices in the New Bedford Seaport. http://www.coastlinetrust.com http://www.coastlinetrust.com http://www.coastlinetrust.com http://socomagazine.info
For optimal viewing of this digital publication, please enable JavaScript and then refresh the page. If you would like to try to load the digital publication without using Flash Player detection, please click here.