AXM Magazine Issue 1 - (Page 12) PRESS PLAY, DON’T DELAY. Dogs. They always rock. Especially really ugly ones, which right now go with everything. That’s because this year, looking like an introverted post-WWII homosexual is all the rage. Your harrowed forefathers, who could only have sex behind trees and in public toilets, famously used dogs as an excuse for being out past 11pm on a Tuesday night. Get a pit bull. Muscular fight dogs will also go particularly well with this summer’s other big trend: ‘butch’ Americana styling. Think sports jackets and greased down hair and maybe a Rottweiler. Wear both key looks with above the knee shorts in case you have to give a passing politician or biker a blowjob. Bollocks. Absolutely essential this season. You must have no fear. It’s getting harder and harder to justify being gay. Soon there’ll be a token one on Sky Sports Report, at which point the clocks will ominously chime midnight, even if it isn’t, and the earth will spin off its axis. That means a giant tsunami carrying screaming queens and cutting edge garden furniture and hand held disco balls and two million pairs of culottes will crash down on ‘the West’ and it will all be OVER. It’s time to stop whining, stop using fake tan and definitely stop doing spiky things to your hair. Instead, wear futuristically waffled lop-sided fabrics that feel as if they’re embalmed in KY jelly. Or just go with chav trackies and a Cocteau Twins t-shirt. Whatever you do, fight! Something. Icons. Let’s cut the crap about gay icons, or indeed heroes of any kind. It only goes out the window when you’re spangled in a nightclub and all that really matters is the man you need to shag who is dancing more confidently than you. Have a spy at the guy on the right and tell us you’re thinking about Sir Ian McKellen. Yes, he’s a model at Vivienne Westwood S/S 09 show, but he looks like he’s taken to much ecstasy in a kebab shop and he’s so out of it he’s dancing to the noise of slowly spinning meat. How fit is that?
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