Parking October 2010 - 12

On People and Parking Charlie Munn
Coming Soon to a Garage Near You: The Age of the Connected Vehicle
DATELINE: WASHINGTON, Jan. 21, 2033—Surrounded by onlookers in the White House Rose Garden on a balmy, post-global warming, winter day in the nation’s capital, President Lindsay Lohan placed her electronic thumbprint on her first bill as chief executive, “signing” into law a new funding system for the nation’s transportation infrastructure. In a rare display of bipartisanship, Green Party Senate Majority Leader Levi Johnston and Tea Party Leader and House Speaker Bristol Palin smiled and teased the somewhat disheveled chief executive, who was still wearing her Vera Wang gown, stained and ripped from a long, hard night of inauguration partying. As she appeared to be having difficulty placing her thumb onto the electronic signature pad, Johnston and Palin laughed in unison as they steadied her trembling hand to help the bill, dubbed the Federal FUBAR (Fair Use of Bridges and Roads) Act, become law. After taking a long drag off what the president called her “purple drank” in a My Little Pony sippy cup on the signing table, the newly elected, but glassy-eyed, “Celeb-in-Chief” mumbled, “Today, I’m signing this… this… bill thingy here that will forever free us from reliance on the federal gas tax as a way to pay for our roads and bridges while placing in the hands of the driving public powerful new tools to get to their destinations easily and cheaply while saving on insurance and parking. Wow… who wrote this? It’s like SO boring…can someone PLEASE bring me some Advil? “Okay… so from now on all users of our transportation grid will only pay for what they actually use—the actual miles they drive, price adjusted for the time of day and congestion-zoned areas of our cities. And for the first time, the nation’s parking resources will be directly integrated into the grid, allowing for convenient and seamless movement from the road through toll points and into a parking space, without stopping to pay. After implementation of this new law, more good news—the federal and state taxes on gasoline will cease and a new age of transportation—the Age of the Connected Vehicle—will begin in earnest.” She paused, looked around and added, “Who’s Earnest? Okay, read my nails folks, it’s time for a nap…Wake me up when there’s a car that can drive itself to rehab…” As the president’s head slowly sank onto the table, Johnston and Palin simultaneously stepped forward to the podium to offer their remarks on the bill’s passage. It quickly became apparent that aides had not worked out a protocol for who was to speak first, and the two bumped into each other and then began pushing and shoving as they jostled for control of the microphone. The pair might have come to blows had not Supreme Court Chief Justice C. Calvin Broadus (fondly remembered as the former rapper “Snoop Dogg”) stepped between them, warning them, “the Secret Service is ready to cap your tired @#$%^&* act!” Capitol Hill insiders report that the conflict ended the possibility of the two uniting their respective political entities into a new political juggernaut to be called—what else—the “Green Tea Party”… **************

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National Parking Association PARKING October 2010
Parking October 2010

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Parking October 2010
