HLAA Hearing Loss Magazine July/August 2010 - 30

By Michael A. Harvey

What’s On Your Mind?
ere’s a new one…dad won’t admit he has a hearing loss and mom goes along with it!

A Question for the Psychologist
do some inner psychological work on yourself: do what you need to do to calm down and become less invested in an outcome. If you remain fed up, any exchange with your parents is bound to result in more tension and conflict. You can calm yourself by trying not to help so much. By that I mean you can ask your dad and mom questions from a position of compassionate curiosity—the opposite of “It’s driving me nuts.” Imagine you are an investigative reporter, attempting to learn more about the positive and negative aspects of their lives, including, but not limited, to what you perceive as hearing loss issues. Resist the temptation to help; reporters do not help; instead they investigate; they learn from the people they’re interviewing. Investigative reporters ask many questions, as opposed to attempting to exert control and influence; they rarely interrupt; and they use less words than the interviewee. When questioning your parents, use these interviewing skills to facilitate them telling you their story while you inquire more and listen. It may be helpful to imagine a word counter in the room; the ratio of words uttered by your parents and you should be about 1:5—for every word you utter, your parents should utter five words. Questions are always good, but some questions are better than others—for example, questions that are designed to yield information about problem recognition, expression of concern, intention to change, and self-efficacy to change: • “Dad, why do you seem uninvolved in conversations lately?” [problem recognition] • “Mom, do you think dad seems out of it lately?” [problem recognition] • “If you (or he) did have a hearing loss, would what might you (he) want to do?” [intention to change] • “What would be the anxiety or relief with doing something?” [expression of concern] • “Have either of you ever thought of getting hearing aids?” [selfefficacy to change] • “What might be difficult about getting hearing aids?” [self-efficacy to change] The list of questions are endless but to emphasize, the critical point is to be curious, to be the student, the reporter, an anthropologist— pick your metaphor—but not to try to help or persuade. An important paradox: often you can help more by not trying so hard to help. If you’re successful in your interview, you’ll learn new things and your parents will learn new things. Perhaps your mom denies your dad’s hearing loss because it means to her that not only he’s getting old but she is also getting old. Perhaps your mom feels close to and even needed by your dad by feeding his denial, as you put it: being his translator—his ears—when he’s missing communications (co-dependence). Maybe one or both of them are clinically depressed —there are many possibilities.

Dear Dr. Harvey:
My dad is a brilliant, vibrant man, but he has a heck of a time hearing and following conversations. He is also slow to react and looks honestly, a little dopey. He won’t do anything about his hearing loss or even admit to it and to make matters much worse, my mom also won’t even admit he has a hearing loss. I’m feeling really helpless and that’s driving me nuts! I’m fed up and am becoming angrier as I see my otherwise brilliant father not being with it, while my mom continues to think that nothing is wrong. What can I do? Signed, Fed Up Laramie, Wyoming

Dear Fed Up:
Both spouses denying hearing loss is relatively unusual, as most often it is one spouse or the other who is in denial. Naturally, you’re frustrated that both your parents are essentially colluding in not acknowledging your dad’s hearing loss that you perceive so clearly. The unfortunate knee-jerk reflex when a person(s) is in denial—e.g., both your parents—is to break down their denial system. But it too often becomes a lose-lose power struggle. It is important to note that denial is an ego defense mechanism designed to prevent the acknowledgement of painful information until one is ready. What can you do except wait until if and when your parents are ready and how would you even know if they’re ready? My first advice is to
30 Hearing Loss Magazine

Timing is Everything
From the relational stance of compassionate curiosity, investigative reporting, it may be advantageous to interview your mom and dad together and

HLAA Hearing Loss Magazine July/August 2010

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of HLAA Hearing Loss Magazine July/August 2010