Chester County Medicine Fall 2018 - 33

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Surviving the
Impact of Suicide
BY AMANDA BLUE, MPH

I

n March 2008, I lost my husband of 18 years, to suicide. I was 44 years old
and he was 54. Quite suddenly, I was left with two children (11 and 14), and
an empty seat at the dinner table. The experience of leaving for work in the
morning with one life, and coming home to a different one, is something that is not
easily described. It's as if you were on a speeding train to the beach that just veered
off the track in the desert. Instead of landing in the place you had planned and
imagined, you'll now have to figure out how to survive in the desert- alone with
your children. And you've never been to the desert, and it's big and gets very dark at
night.
If it wasn't enough for these young souls to lose their father, my children were
also forced to digest the notion that he took his own life. Suicide is a concept far
beyond their comprehension, and it was excruciating to watch their struggle with
the loss and with the decision he made. I did my best to explain and to help them
acclimate to a life with such a huge unanswered question; a concept that's nearly
impossible to resolve, even in an adult mind.
Though ill prepared to be the bread winner, I went back to work full time.
Among the changes thrust upon us, I would now have to accept that they would
be home alone after school and seek help for the summer. Although I understand
that working women have navigated these challenges for many years, the fragility
of children that have lost their father to suicide made it very different. I lived in fear
that they were existing in silent despair; afraid to share their burden with me. My
daughter was relatively open, but with my son, it was much harder to read his grief.
continued on next page >

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Chester County Medicine Fall 2018

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