GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 34

first person Make ’em laugh? You try it The night I bombed By Kathryn Weiss T he kid sits in the middle of the room, scrutinizing me. He’s as quiet as a bell without its clapper. I’m cool. I know this demographic. I start my warm-up making Jim Carrey rubber faces. I press Elmo’s Popsicle-red big toe to make the furry guy do the chicken dance. Nada. I hide behind a chair and pop up like a jack-in-the-box on speed. The kid scrunches up his nose, squints and gives me an Edward G. Robinson sneer, chewing on his rainbow teething ring like it’s a cigar stub. I won’t mention anything to his parents, but this kid’s an Elmer Fudd curmudgeon. I feel like I’m in a sauna. I’m playing to a marble slab here, but I’m not giving up. I try a Johnny Carson smirk. I mimic De Niro’s “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?” Nothing from Mr. Poker Face. I make raucous raspberry noises. Still no reaction. He’s Bud Abbot to my Lou Costello. George Burns to my Gracie Allen. The kid won’t throw me a bone. If I were on stage, I’d be getting the hook by now. I poke my cold nose into the middle of his stomach. Nothing but unwavering, giant brown eyes. I make a monkey puppet cavort behind my head. Just when I’ve bottomed out, the kid begins to throw Cheerios at me like a displeased groundling at a Shakespeare play. “Lighten up! What’s your problem?” I ask him. “Global warming?” The plunging Dow? Afghanistan? There’s plenty of Enfamil and zwieback in the pantry, and your stroller doesn’t need fuel.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see a heckler enter the nursery. The baby’s eyes shift toward the intruder, whose giant, lumbering body fills my view. The black and white mutt crosses the room with a languid Paul Newman stroll, appraises the situation, licks the kid’s face from ear to ear, and leaves a slobbering mess. A cheap, brazen trick, if you ask me. The baby begins to laugh like a hyperactive battery toy. His ribs tremble with mirth. The kid is good-looking but has no taste in comedy. G Share this article with your friends. GRAND OCTOBER istockphoto.com

GRAND Magazine - October 2009

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - October 2009

GRAND Magazine - October 2009
Contents
GRAND Central
Crystal Gayle: A Glimmer of Crystal
Guide for New Grandparents
Cyber-Savvy GRAND
Ask GRAND
Together Time
A Halloween Read Aloud
First Person
GRAND Legal
Resources
GRAND Finale
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Intro
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - GRAND Magazine - October 2009
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Cover2
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 3
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 4
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 5
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Contents
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 7
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 8
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 9
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 10
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - GRAND Central
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 12
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 13
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 14
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 15
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 16
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 17
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Crystal Gayle: A Glimmer of Crystal
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 19
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 20
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 21
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Guide for New Grandparents
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 23
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 24
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 25
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Cyber-Savvy GRAND
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 27
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 28
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Ask GRAND
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Together Time
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 31
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 32
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - A Halloween Read Aloud
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - First Person
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 35
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 36
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 37
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 38
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - 39
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - GRAND Legal
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Resources
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - GRAND Finale
GRAND Magazine - October 2009 - Cover4
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