GRAND Magazine - September/October 2013 - (Page 60-61)

grandparent rights Must Reading for Every GRANDparent Can bribery warm a cold shoulder? What to do, and not to do, when you keep knocking but your DIL won’t let you in — Bribing Grandma susan Hoffman is the author of the book A Precious Bond and the director of AfGGc, which produced A Precious Bond, the first documentary film about unreasonably denied grandparent visitation. Visit for more information or to order the film or book. 60 GRAND september october 2013 Dear BG: I understand your desire to see the kids more frequently and empathize with your feelings of rejection when your requests to visit are denied. The gift-card campaign does seem like a form of bribery. Although, in my book, I suggest sending a coffee gift card as a truce-like gesture, I think what you’re doing may be overkill. Could you be taking your DIL’s behavior too personally? Regardless of whether her coolness is simply part of her personality or specifically directed toward you, it’s not about you. As I wrote in A Precious Bond: “Part of changing your behavior is changing the way you think about things. . . . Tell yourself not to take personally what others say to and about you.” Have you considered, too, that the denials may be based on your DIL’s jealousy toward, rather than rejection of, you? Parents are often insecure and afraid that their child will love the grandparents more than the parent. Find reasons and ask to visit a little more often but don’t push or bribe. When you visit, enjoy the grandkids but try to include your son and DIL in some of the fun, too. Instead of waiting to fill your spare time with grandkid visits, do fun things for yourself, as well. pHoto creDIt: ©bAkIbG D ear Susan: During the six years I have known her, my daughter-in-law has not once expressed a kind word toward me. I try not to dwell on her icy demeanor and always give her a hug when I see her. When we ask to see the kids, she and my son come up with excuses and say no—unless, of course, they need us to babysit, which isn’t often. Six to eight weeks pass between visits, which are usually on a holiday, birthday, or sports event. I miss the kids terribly and want to be more involved in their lives. When we do see them, they obviously enjoy being with Grandpa and Grandma. We are both retired, so we have lots of time to be with them. I will do anything to improve our relationship so as to see my grandkids more often, including showering the parents with gifts. In fact, I have resorted to sending gift cards on a regular basis. Does this seem like bribery? What else can I do to break down the barrier? How can I get over feeling rejected? Support Grandparents We offer FREE counseling to grandparents who are struggling to reconnect with their grandchildren. Help Grandchildren Grandparent involvement helps grandchildren to thrive and become well adjusted. DoNAtE For a $13.50 donation, we will send you a copy of our book Grand Wishes. september october 2013 GRAND 61

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - September/October 2013

GRAND Magazine - September/October 2013
Congratulations 2013 GRANDparent of the Year Honorees!
Hooray for Grandparents, Ingenuity, and ICE!
GRAND Magazine Best of the Web Awards
Rockin’ the World
Leaving a Legacy
Don Miguel Ruiz: Our Sacred Agreement to Grandchildren
Keepsakes from the Heart
Do Kids Under 5 Get Too Much Screen Time?
Let the Learning Games Begin!
Falling into the Grandma Zone
A Special Grandmother
Ducky Butt, Not Tucky Butt!
GRAND Sponsor: ClearSounds Communications
Terrific Tech Gadgets for the Whole Family
The ABCs of Grandparenting: Who’s Teaching Whom?
Can Bribery Warm a Cold Shoulder?
Keep Your Marriage from Becoming a Casualty of Caregiving
Hidden Treasures

GRAND Magazine - September/October 2013