GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 22

grand living
When you ask the meaty
questions and then sit back to
really listen to them, you are
bringing purpose and meaning to all your interactions.
And if you don't have a lot of
practice interacting with adult
kids this way, don't worry.
There are plenty of questions
you can turn to consistently
that will always be fresh. What
are their challenges? What are
the highlights of their relationships (or their parenting, their
job, etc.)? Ask and then simply
listen.
When they do share with
you, thank them for filling
you in. Bite your tongue and
resist the urge to pass judgment or offer up help. Many
times, when someone is expressing their feelings, it's
because they want us to listen, not provide guidance or
swoop in to "fix" the situation.
If you do want to offer up advice, ASK first! Simply
say, "Are you open to a suggestion?" or "Would you be
receptive to my thoughts on that?" Or better yet, offer
up your own experience. Talk about your problems,
without offering a solution. Relate rather than dictate.

"

you, you might be the Persecutor!
Unsolicited advice and well-meaning
suggestions are often a subtle form
of persecution. Persecutors may also
blame others, put them on the spot, or
accuse them. The Persecutor puts the
responsibility onto someone else.
It's also easy to feel like the Victim.
No one appreciates you and everyone is against you. Taking on the
role of the Victim suggests you feel
you aren't capable and you need
help. Yet, each of us is empowered
to learn, grow, and share in every
situation. Don't allow yourself to fall
into the role of the Victim. The Victim
is just absolving him or herself of
responsibility.

"

triangle, there are three roles: Victim, Persecutor, and
Rescuer.
* The Victim feels sorry for themselves. They're the
one who "gets picked on."
* The Persecutor in the situation is the one who
blames, finds fault, and criticizes.
In all three roles, there's a shifting accountability. Yet, as
* The Rescuer swoops in to solve problems and
smooth over the situation. While the Rescuer role feels we discuss in our book, The Heart of the Fight, everyone
is 100% responsible for themselves in every situation. We
good (you're the peacemaker!), it comes at a cost.
can only control our own actions and reactions.
Rescuers are often great at solving others' problems
but not examining their own. They falsely think, "If I
rescue you enough, you'll take care of me," but it never
Relationships experts, world-class
No matter how you ask or interact, there is one pitworks quite that way. The Rescuer is taking on responcoaches, and best-selling authors,
fall you can at least plan to avoid. This pattern is
sibility that's not theirs.
Dr. Judith and Dr. Bob Wright
are co-founders of the Wright
called "the drama triangle" and it shows up quite
In a family situation, you may see yourself in one
Foundation for the Realization of
prevalently in many family dynamics. These are the
role, but often these roles rotate based on the situHuman Potential and The Wright
situations where we may find ourselves inadvertently ation. You might see yourself as a Rescuer, sharing
Graduate University and authors of
falling into old patterns and arguments. In the drama advice and doling out wisdom, but to those around
The Heart of the Fight

"

"

Avoid the drama triangle

22 GRAND

MAY JUNE 2018

Remember: We can only
control our own actions
and reactions.


https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0994809700/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=grandmagazi0d-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=0994809700&linkId=c0cf2342749a51234e00421ef2df453e https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003B6QYSW/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=grandmagazi0d-20&camp=1789&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=B003B6QYSW&linkId=74a78ba0a510c9871c2e38f745d59213 http://www.heartofthefight.com/ http://www.thewrightfoundation.org/ http://www.thewrightfoundation.org/ http://www.thewrightfoundation.org/ http://www.heartofthefight.com/

GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018

Contents
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 1
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 2
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 3
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - Contents
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 5
GRAND Magazine - July/August 2018 - 6
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