GRAND Magazine - September/October 2018 - 30

ask dr. gramma karen

Should children attend a grandparent's funeral?

A
Must--‐Read
for
Grandparents

BY KAREN L. RANCOURT

young dad recently wanted my advice whether
his six-year-old daughter should attend his
mother's funeral. I offered him four main
considerations.
Some parents of young children do not want their
young children to attend a funeral because the service is highly ritualized and has little meaning for a child.
Many parents do not want their children exposed
to religious doctrine because they fear it can result in
young children having fears about life and death, or
the doctrine is contrary to what they want their young
children exposed to.
Another consideration is that parents may not want
their young children to attend any part of a service or
funeral that takes place at a cemetery, as the lowering
of a casket into the ground or the burying of an urn or
the scattering of ashes can be a terrifying experience
for a young child.
Some funerals focus on people sharing their memories of and stories about the deceased and include
lots of laughter as well as tears.
Many parents want their young children to experience this type of funeral or memorial service, especially if those speaking about the deceased are people
known to the child.
A parent might ask the child if he/she would like
to be present when Grandma's family and friends tell
stories about her. Let the child know that some people
will cry when they think about how much they loved
Grandma and how much they will miss her, but stories
that make us cry and laugh are an important part of
honoring and remembering someone.

30 GRAND

SEPTEMBER OCTOBER 2018

Look
Inside

A relative or friend can bring young children to just
those aspects of the funeral that personalize the
deceased, and not have them present for the parts
that are religious and/or ritualized. I have had parents
tell me that they feel such relief to know that they
don't have to commit their young children to an entire
funeral or service.
Although dying grandparents may express their
opinion as to whether a grandchild should attend
their funeral, the final decision rests with the parents.
After his mother died, I heard from the young dad
who had asked for my advice. He said he and his wife
decided that his daughter should spend the day of

"This
book...set
me
straight.
I
wasn't
sure
where
my
boundaries
were
as
a
grandma..."
Grandma's funeral with her best friend's family. He said
that if their daughter had been a few years older they
would probably have included her for the eulogies.
Difficult decisions, such as these, will vary from one
family to another.

"Karen
identiﬁes
the
cause
and
eﬀect
of
family
issues
in
plain
and
simple
language."
--‐
Amazon.com
Reviewers

Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., writes
an advice column for parents and
grandparents at Mommybites.com
and is the author of Ask Dr. Gramma
Karen, Volume II: Savvy Advice to
Help Soothe Parent-Grandparent
Conflicts.

Show me the book!

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GRAND Magazine - September/October 2018

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