GRAND Magazine - Fall 2020 - 7

relationships
Sascha: If he really hates these
command performances, Walter
should decline as a general policy.
Dawn and Mike might even be
relieved not to have to worry
about whether he's enjoying himself or not.
Evie: Walter doesn't have to
go to every kids' event, but he
should look for ways to show the
family he likes being with them,
such as taking them to a baseball
game, his favorite spectator sport.
Otherwise, he might be seen as a
grumpy old man.

even tried? Their son and daughter-in-law
should be made to realize they are too old
to accommodate these demands.
Cindy: The McCauleys certainly
shouldn't bring up Gina's crummy attitude
with their son, who will defend his wife to
the death, as he should. Luckily, they have
each other.

Readers' comments

On call

Myrna and James McCauley
have what can best be called a
"transactional" relationship with
their daughter-in-law, Gina. Gina
is barely civil to them unless she wants something,
and right now what she wants is for them to babysit
her two young teenage boys-and cart them to all
their activities-while she and their son take a trip
abroad. Although Myrna and James dearly love their
grandsons, they do not want to suspend their own
activities, fly 1,000 miles from home, and spend two
weeks in Tulsa, where they know nobody. They deeply
resent the expectation that they will, of course, drop
everything when Gina snaps her fingers even though
she's perennially ungracious to them. What should the
McCauley's do?
A. Respectfully decline and risk alienating their son?
7 GRAND

FALL 2020

B. Say yes but let Gina know they don't appreciate
her attitude?
C. Just fly out and zip their lips?

The panel weighs in

Sue: They know they're going to do what they
always do: Say yes, grouse to one another, and then
paste on big smiles while they arrive in Tulsa.
James: There's no sense talking to Gina; her attitude is never going to change. The McCauleys just
have to wait it out until the boys grow up and they
can have a direct relationship with them instead of
going through their mother.
Paul: Can the parents say, "NO?" Have they ever

They can tell their daughter-in-law (and
son) that they would love to have the
grandkids in their own home and at dates
that work for them, too. J.G.
These grandparents must find the
strength to confront Gina and let her know
it's not OK to assume they'll babysit for her.
They love the kids but they have their own
lives. Gina is selfish and will resist, but so be
it. S.B.
I believe grandparents have as much
right to a quality life as their children or grandchildren.
Therefore, there should be no problem in their declining and simply speaking their truth - of course in a
loving way. A.P.
Barbara Greenleaf has chronicled the changing
family for decades, starting with Children
Through the Ages: A History of Childhood, Help:
A Handbook for Working Mothers with Louis
Schaffer, M.D., and, most recently, Parents of
Adult Children: You Are Not Alone. A graduate
of Vassar College, former contributing editor at
Working Mother and onetime staffer at The New
York Times, Barbara is called "Grandma" by four
grandchildren. Visit her here.

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GRAND Magazine - Fall 2020

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Fall 2020