GRAND Magazine - Spring 2020 - 25

grandparenting
Imagine, for example, that you are concerned about
how a grandson talks disrespectfully to his mother. If you
confront him and suggest that he change his tone and
show more respect for his mom, he is likely to feel defensive, and he is sure to feel that you have judged him and
are critical of him. On the other hand if you can get him
to ask you about his relationship with his mother, you
become his requested consultant rather than his unwelcome, critical "corrector."

about favorite subjects, activities, movies, music, and on
and on. Taking notes makes the conversations feel more
serious and consequential and allows you, on a future
occasion, to start with something like, "You know, since
our lunch, I've been thinking about some things you
said...." For a more in-depth "consulting session," take a
little road trip together. Car time can be one of the best
openings. Don't give in to the natural instinct to give
advice or lecture every time you think of something. Just
keep him talking and keep your use of "Really?" coming,
and keep thoughts or your notes in your own head until
So how do we get our grandkids to ask?
the time feels right to suggest something.
whatever she wants and you will try to answer honIt takes some doing! We have gone so far as to offer
One surefire way to hold a grandkid's interest is to tell
estly. As you praise their questions and give them other
a dollar for every good, thoughtful question a grandopportunities, the beautiful aspect of "questions for each them stories about their parents when they were their
kid can ask me. We've explained to them that in today's
age. It's hard for teens to actually imagine their parents
other" will make your relationship closer and closer.
world, answers are cheap and easy, but really good
as teens who actually felt and experienced some of the
questions are rare and incredibly valuable. As they get
they are feeling and doing now - but it is very
older, we've tried to give them an introduction to the
One surefire way to hold a grandkid's things
beneficial and reassuring when they do.
word "consultant" and why we want to play that role with
interest is to tell them stories about
Remember that this consulting relationship you try
them. We explain that we've had a lot of experience and,
their parents when they were their age. to establish with your grandkids is not just another little
believe it or not, we remember when their parents were
phase. It is the kind of communication and trust you want
their age. Thus, we can listen to what they are doing or
to have with them for the rest of your life.
It's actually much easier to give advice to our grandfeeling or needing or trying to decide, and I can give
them advice rather than commands, and they know. And kids than to our kids. The grandchildren are generally not
trying to prove anything, and they don't feel belittled or
we assure them that, whether they follow our advice or
Richard and Linda Eyre's parenting and life-balance
distrusted
like
our
kids
often
do.
not, we will always love and accept them totally.
books have reached millions and been translated into a
Sometimes,
something
as
simple
as
picking
up
a
dozen languages. As fellow Baby Boomers, their passion
We even tell them that consultants usually cost a lot,
and their writing focus has now shifted to the joy of
grand-kid from school for his lunch hour and going to
but that they are lucky because they can get us for free.
Grandparenting. Linda's latest book is Grandmothering,
Richard's is Being a
One very direct way to get grandkids to ask you ques- his favorite burger place for a half hour can yield some
great
interaction.
Once
you
have
set
up
and
defined
Proactive
tions is to frame a discussion or a "Grandpa or Grandma
grandfather, and
together the "consulting relationship" you are in a posidate conversation" along the lines of taking turns with
their latest cotion
to
start
asking
questions
about
what
interests
him
authored book is
questions. First, you ask your granddaughter some quesmost, about friends, about likes and dislikes in school,
Life in Full. All three
tions about her life, taking notes and listening actively.
of these are now on
about goals for the school year, about summer plans,
Then, say that it is her turn and that she can ask you
sale on Amazon.

25 GRAND

SPRING 2020

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GRAND Magazine - Spring 2020

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Spring 2020