GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 15
Invisible grandparents
The constant cultural transmission is that if you don't feel all of those things
then you're somehow behaving selfishly, irresponsibly, and unlovingly. That
you're being unmotherly.
Yet, sometimes the most loving, parental action is to allow the distance that
your child says they need. You don't have to commit to it forever. But if things
are so inflamed that you're getting threatened with restraining orders or your
gifts are being sent back, then they're too inflamed for progress to be made
by reaching out.
And even if those conditions aren't met, but you're being ignored year after
year, then discontinuing to reach out is probably best. I typically recommend
at least a year.
Here's why discontinuing to try is not only better for your mental health,
but also sometimes better for a potential reconciliation:
1. Your estranged adult child may feel like you're respecting their wishes
more.
2. They may respect you more for not continuing to set yourself to be
rejected by them.
3. It may invite more self-reflection on their part: " Hmm, my mother hasn't
reached out in seven months. Wonder what's going on? "
4. It may cause them to miss you. That old saying, " How can I miss you if
you never go away? " is sometimes true in families.
5. It gives the relationship time and space to allow things to become less
inflamed.
It's not easy to stop trying. But sometimes it's best for everyone.
Dr. Coleman conducts webinars
on parental estrangement. All webinars
meet at 4:30 PM Pacific on Tuesdays
over Zoom. Learn more here
Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., is a psychologist in
San Francisco and Oakland. He is also a senior
fellow with the Council on Contemporary
Families. He is the author of The Rules of
Estrangement published by Penguin/Random
House and when Parents Hurt.
15 GRAND Summer 2022
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GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022
Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022
contents
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - Cover1
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 2
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 3
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 3A
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - contents
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 5
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 6
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 7
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 8
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GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - 36
GRAND Magazine - Summer 2022 - Cover4
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