Theatre Design & Technology - Spring 1989 - 47

Soun~
Money For Nothing
BY JOHN A. LEONARD

am often asked how to break into
the wonderful world of Theatre
Sound. When people ask me this
question, what they actually mean
is, "How can I get to do sound designs for West End Musicals, make
huge amounts of money, and retire for
life with a gold-plated hearing aid?"
Up until now, my answer has always
been along the lines of "Hard work and
dedication over many years will eventually bring you to a state of grace
within the theatre sound industry, and
you will be able to mix with the great
Sound Designers on an equal footing. I
suggest you cut your teeth on a regional tour of Godspell and progress
from there." And such has been the
tortuous path to the top.
Until now.
ow; as a result of worldwide research and close observation, I am able
to bring you a formula for almost instant success as a sound designer,
which, if followed closely, will take
you to places you never thought possible. This formula is free, given to you
out of the kindness of my heart, and
with no thought of reward. All I ask is
for one per cent of your eanll ngs over
the next five years, before tax, as a
gesture from you of how grateful you
are. Agreed? Then read on, and di cover the easy way to fame and fortune.
Nothing, as they say, is for nothing.
First you will have to spend in order to
profit, although the in.itial outlay is
only a few hundred pounds. First on
your list of purchases should be a briefcase. ot JUSt any old Samsonite job,
bLlt a custom-built case from one of
the major flight case manufacturers.
This is essential if anyone is going to
take you at all seriously. Tote that an
aluminum photographers case will
not suffice. People will simply think
you are a photographer, or worse still,
a Lighting Designer, and that would
never do.
The case should be dark green or
cerise, with all the edging and comering palaver found on the average
heavy-duty flight case, and should
come with a discrete designer label. It

should weigh a ton, and be large
enough to carry the rest of your purchases, and a few clothes and toiletry
items for those last-minute dashes to
the West Indies.
Next comes the most expensive
item on the list, a portable compact
disc player. Preferably, you should purchase one of the earlier portables, as
these sound rather like reasonable
quality cassette machines, and
shouldn't burden you with the problem of actually having to listen to decent sound. (Prices are low at the
moment, and with a little shopping
around, you may even come up with
one that incorporates a radio, so you
can listen to Radio 1 whilst pretending
to listen to Bartok.)
You should now start to build up a
library of CDs. Quite frankly, it
doesn't matter twO hoots what you
choose to listen to in your spare time,
but there are a number of discs that
you simply must have in your portable
flight-case for public consumption;
these are as follows: Brothers in Arms
by Dire Straits, Grace fanes Live, anything by Rikki Lee Jones, and something involving Trevor Pi11l10ck.
Your next investment is one of time
rather than money, for you must learn
the jargon of your chosen profession.
This is very difficult to set OLlt, as it is
constantly changing, although by
leam.ing a few basics you will soon be
assimilated into the sort of circles
where, by the simple expedient of
keeping your ears open and your
moLlth closed, you will pick up the
current usage.
Most of the sound designers jargon
revolves around letters and numbers,
and here are a few to be going on with:
UPA1, USvv, KMR 2, AMS, TEL, AKG,
U8?, PCMFl, DDA, SSL, 41'+, '+51,
.+038 (a good one, that), 456, 911 (warning, can be applied to a type of car as
well as a type of tape; make sure you
have grasped the correct conversational driftl, D190 (only ever in jestl,
SM58, V500, A80, PR99, Bll, SPX90
(current buzzword, bLlt fast becoming
passel, DC300A, etc., etc.

It is quite possible to have a meaningful conversation simply using letters and numbers, and it is also
possible to introduce letter and number combinations that you have made
up on the spur of the moment, or misheard in other conversations. As everyone else will also be doing this, and
will in any case be listening to themselves rather than to you, you will
hardly ever be found out.
As well as the numbers and letters,
you would be well advised to take in a
few well-chosen phrases to add to your
vocabulary. It is best to stick to enigmatic generalizations and trivial specifics, such as: "I went to see Tin1e/
Phantom/Les Miz/Cats/Starlight, and
the sound was really, well you knmv,
really iffy. All the way through, I kept
really, well you know, really itching to
go and ... you know?" or "I went to see
Bowie/Simply Red/Dire Straits/The
LSO/ Me and My Gul, and the sound
was absolutely ... well, you know, absolutely amazing. All the way
through, I just kept thinking ... yeah,
you know?"
ine times OLlt of ten, you will find
that the person you are talking to
agrees with you in exactly the same
terms. Easy, isn't it? The specific trivia
is a bi t harder, and I can do no more
than quote a supreme piece of unassailable bullsh.it that I heard issuing
from the lips of someone whose badge
announced him to be a Radio Three
producer. I was attending a demonstration of a new loudspeaker at a Hi-Fi
shO\\\ and during part of the demonstration, wh.ich consisted of a CD of
Trevor Pinnock playing the harpsichord, reproduced at windowshattering levels, the following
(shoLltedl exchange took place.
Demonstrator: "Well, what do you
think?"
BBC Producer: (screaming at the top
of his voicel "One yearns for that extra
IdE at 12K."
The demonstrator nodded sadly, and
they turned the wick up another
notch.
I am convinced that this phrase was
TD&T

SPRING 1989

http://www.bullsh.it

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