The Roanoker - February 2014 - 16

JOSEPH MACARETH

R THE GOSSIP

With Hooter's closed, what in the world could possibly take over the empty building?

Breastaurants!
5 Things Every Roanoker
Must Not Do
See elsewhere in this issue for all the silly stuff you should do; Gossipman
has the other side of things covered.
DEAR GOSSIPMAN - I was reading an
old Roanoker in my doctor's office - no
wait, it's this Roanoker, and I don't even
have a cold! - about the 50 Things Every
Roanoker Must Do, and I was wondering if
there are any things Every Roanoker Must
Not Do? R.L., Roanoke
A. Great question, Riv', and of course you
should know lots about what not to do in

16 JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2014

Roanoke. Anyway, here are Gossipman's Top
5 Things Every Roanoker Should Not Do.
5. Open a restaurant where Hooter's was,
there on Williamson Road. Once an institution - like The Library or Norberto's - is
gone, there's just nothing that can replace it.
. . no, wait, Roanoke is all about pining for
stores and restaurants we don't have, so we
need to start a campaign to get a replacement

breastaurant in there pronto. Pick from the
following list and let the city know which one
of these chains you want most:
a. Tilted Kilt Pub & Eatery
b. Twin Peaks
c. Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill
d. Brick House Tavern
e. Mugs & Jugs
And just because G-man is all about total
service to readers, check out the slideshow
on the Huffpost to help with your selection.
4. Stop in the middle of the 13th Street,
NW, bridge and look east toward the city or
west toward West Virginia, and start to get
all nostalgic and steamed at the same time
as you look at the endless reach of 14 sets of
train tracks, all of which are empty. Then go
on in toward the city and take a walk on the
ever-lovin' Railwalk.
3. Start getting all weepy over things like
Victory Stadium being long-gone, the Dominion Tower getting a new nameplate every 20
minutes, or the former Huff Farm having been
the site of a giant traffic jam every Christmas
season now for 30 years. Instead, focus on all
the cool new stuff around here: Elmwood Park
all redone to look like the airport, cyclists in
Mars costumes crashing into walkers along
the Roanoke River Greenway, and Carilion
continuing its march to create a vista from
the upper reaches of Roanoke Memorial that
contains nothing but open fields, a river that
could flood and other Carilion buildings.
2. Remain neutral when it comes to Wahoo
and Hokie sports. That "House Divided" junk,
where people profess to root for (or against)
both is simply as unacceptable as saying
you feel pretty much the same about Mssrs
Obama and Boehner, God and the Devil, etc.
And the Number One Thing Every Roanoker Must Not Do . . . Fail to say hi to everyone you pass on the street; fail to wave cars
ahead of you while creating traffic mayhem
behind you; fail to hold the door open even
when the oncoming twentysomething lady
is still a block away; fail to talk about the
weather; fail to ask about the family . . . in
short, fail to be a Southern person here in a
Southern town, even if you just came in from
Connecticut. I
THE

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The Roanoker - February 2014

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