The Roanoker - March 2014 - 25

NUMBER SIX

Talking about your
feelings way too
much (when you're sick)

ISTOCK \ SUNEMOTION

A friend and her husband came
down with the same sore throat. To
save money, they decided he would
go to the doctor to see if any medicine would help. When he returned
home, the husband announced, "I
have strep throat" with the gravity
of someone announcing a terminal
illness. He never addressed that this
meant his wife probably had the
same condition. Instead, he asked
her to make him hot chocolate.
I'm sure plenty of men go to
work, take the dog on a walk and
make dinner for their kids while suffering from the sniffles. The guys I
know, though, all tend to be babies
about feeling under the weather.
FIX: Have a cold? Go to bed
and keep your whining under the
covers.
NUMBER SEVEN

Adjusting privates
in public

NUMBER FIVE

Excessive grooming
This is Roanoke. Star City ladies are horrified by men who wax
their chests or invest in hair implants. We like rugged, good looks.
FIX: Are you the guy who can't pass a mirror without checking
your hair? Get a hobby. Maybe go check out the 900-foot zip line
at Wilderness Adventure at Eagle Landing. That's enough thrills to
make you forget your mane.

This problem may seem more widespread than it actually is because
men who feel at ease jiggling South
of the border in polite society seem
to do so incessantly.
We women understand we
haven't walked a mile in your
tightie whities. Underwear rides
up. Pants bind. We get it. It's just
that when we see you constantly
adjusting your assets, we begin to

worry you have an infestation of
some sort and want to get as far
away as possible.
FIX: If you must make an adjustment, for pete's sake take a
two-minute break and duck into a
restroom.
NUMBER NINE

Inattention to
grooming
I once worked in an office with a
handsome man who always came
to work impeccably dressed. No
one ever mentioned the care he
used to pair his shirts with his ties,
though. They talked about his nose
hairs, which were so long they
could have served as a mustache.
FIX: Take care of the basics. Get
rid of the monobrow. Trim weird
alien hairs that grow out of your
ears. Maybe use some conditioner.
NUMBER TEN

"I lost my number,
can I have yours?"
Some men seem to have a poor understanding of which women swim
in their dating pool. In most cases,
men should not attempt to hit on
women who are 15 years or more
their juniors. There's nothing worse
than being at the Community Inn
on a Friday night and a guy older
than your dad keeps trying to buy
you drinks and scratch-off Lottery
tickets.
FIX: Look at your driver's license
if you've forgotten your age. I

NUMBER EIGHT

SAM DEAN

Not carrying your weight

THE

R OANOKER.COM

I once worked in an office where the employees took turns going
to Bubblecake to buy treats for coworkers celebrating birthdays.
Only, the male coworkers never seemed to take a turn, even if they
ate plenty of cupcakes.
FIX: Don't be that guy. In fact, be the antithesis of that guy. Be the
first to volunteer for the party committee. Have a stack of birthday
cards in your drawer. You'll be remembered for the kindnesses you
do for others.
MARCH/APRIL 2014

25
The Roanoker - March 2014

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