The Roanoker - July/August 2014 - 13

R THE GOSSIP (TOTAL NONSENSE)
Gossipman: The Homes Edition
From window treatments to mice in the kitchen and the definition
of escutcheon . . . well, all your questions are answered.
DEAR GOSSIPMAN - My wife and I
have been having that classic fight over
her wanting new window treatments and
my thinking that what we have now is
just fine. Do you have any advice? -J.B.,
Roanoke
You and I both know, J.B., that water
with just a little vinegar in it is the best window treatment ever. Set her straight on this.

. I've been noticing these giant hornetlooking things outside of my screenedin back porch lately, G-man, and I wonder
if I should be worried? -B.C., Roanoke
County
Those are carpenter bees, B.C., and very

much like rogue driveway re-paving contractors, they are always hanging around
this time of year trying to pick up easy
carpentry and decking work that they then
don't complete; their MO is to go ahead and
drill holes where they tell you you should
add like a plant hook or bird-feeder mount,
hanging off the porch. And then they disappear! Report these spurious contractors
immediately to the Bee Bee Bee.

old guy hanging around in his pajamas.
Now that ol' Skritty has been gone for a
year or so, we have started to see the random mouse scurrying across the kitchen
floor late at night, and guess what? You got
it, she wants a damn cat! Plus who knows
if the dog will even get along with a new
cat! What do I do, G-man? -D.V., Vinton
It's a slippery slope, D.V., and it's your
job to make sure it doesn't get to the sliding.
Immediately quote a few song lyrics to her
about the lady who swallowed the fly, and
then the spider and then the mouse and
then the cat and then the daggone dog. Ask
her which she'd rather have, a couple of innocent mice, or having the dog for Thanksgiving dinner.

. My wife and I had this cat, see, for
years, and she like hated the poor guy
- especially when he got old and occasionally peed in the house and never went and
got his shots and stuff anymore - just an

t's a bird she swallowed in the song, Gossipman - a bird, not a mouse. -Mrs. D.V.
Hey, birds can get into your house too!
There are just so many things in these troubled times that can lead to eating the dog.

JOSEPH MACKARETH

The Big Domestic Question: Is the penchant for over-entitlement on the part of a cat worth it in
exchange for possible mouse control?
THE

R OANOKER.COM

. We're just about to realize our lifetime
dream of building our very own home,
G-man, but there are several terms that
the contractor keeps slinging around like
we already know what they are. Can you
help us with definitions of a few? Here
they are: soffit, cantilever, escutcheon and
stud. -C.C., Salem
Always glad to help, C.C. Soffit is a technical term for what happens right near the
gutters; it's the part you have to re-coat once
all the paintsoffet. Cantilever is what happens after you and your wife go so deep into
debt to build the house that you're stuck
with her forever. Escutcheon is just a fancyrestaurant word for snails. And stud is of
course the word for the guy who just had
all those answers for you. I
JULY/AUGUST 2014

http://www.THEROANOKER.COM

The Roanoker - July/August 2014

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of The Roanoker - July/August 2014