Elephants and Tea - September 2019 - 11

on the walls, and bins full of masks and capes
for patients and survivors at the offices/clinics.
But most patients and survivors don't feel very
much like superheroes.
The treatments are merciless; the months
and months of treatment leave bodies and
minds exhausted, and years of long-term
side effects without meaningful reduction of
symptoms result in feeling far less than super-anything. A parent emotionally in need to
dress the situation up in fantasy garb cannot
successful camouflage the long-term reality
for so many teens and young adults. And as
a parent, I worry about the pressure this puts
on so many. I have seen the undue expectation
weighing down my son, guilting him into
feeling like a failure as a 17-year old on home/
hospital care instead of attending high school
because cluster migraines and chemo-induced
ADHD made everyday life a nightmare.
The burden isn't fair for those who simply
need to get through the day as best as they
can. Getting through the day is enough. In
fact, on the really difficult days, I find it pretty
darn super to keep doing just that: rising every
morning, doing the best you can, and hoping
it will be one of the good days.
The media likes to portray happy endings
and the extremes of life, the more amazing or
fairy-tale-like the better. Regularly, articles
are published celebrating cancer survivors becoming oncology nurses, oncologists, and researchers ... and giving back to the community
that helped them all of these years. Recently,
I couldn't help but respond when I saw someone tweet a quote in the cancer survivorship
community from Gloria Steinhem: "The final
stage of healing is using what happens to you
to help other people." If this is your passion,

your calling, or your dream, then reach for the
stars and do so proudly.
So many who will benefit from your giving
nature will be blessed by your understanding
and empathy as well as care. BUT ... it is not
required. The world does not need you, demand
you, nor expect you to give back just because
you didn't die due to the cancer.
The world needs nothing from you.
The world simply hopes that you survive
your ordeal and can live a life you enjoy. What
you deserve is to live the life you want to live
... that is the entire point of surviving cancer.
It is the living that is important.
Media doesn't find it profitable to write
about those who survive cancer who become
accountants, regional managers, or administrative assistants. Reporters don't find it interesting to write articles detailing that some
people who survive can only work part time
because of pain, cognitive decline, or executive dysfunction. Or that some need to collect
social security disability, only being able to
volunteer in some productive way because the
commitment to a paid position is just too much
for a delicate body struggling with a number
of physical or neurological issues. The stories
about survivors giving back and working in
the oncology community are beautiful feelgood stories for the general community; they
bring smiles to "everyone."
You probably don't find too many articles
featuring others in treatment or post-treatment
traveling, finishing their college degree, or
making music in the garage. These too are remarkable stories about people surviving cancer
and living a life to whatever degree they can.
For me personally, I would find those articles
amazing and worthy of front page, "above the
fold" placement. It is a story worthy of pride.
Healing isn't about giving back; it is about
overcoming what lies in front of you, realizing
the life you are able to live, and doing so to the
best of your ability.
What is often expressed by family and
friends, and often said with great intention to
soothe and support is "You have been saved for
something special." This simple phrase plagues
the spirit. On the surface it is easy to discredit
and dismiss. I've watched many give a simple
nod in response, then try to change the topic
of conversation. What a sensitive, respectful
response to a statement made by someone
unaware, yet probably very caring. There is no
barter or indenture for survivorship. It is an
unfair statement to make, and more often it is

a self-soothing commentary made by people
at a loss of what is more appropriate.
Most are simply not equipped with the vocabulary to discuss something so emotional, so
intense, so intimate. So instead they reach for
the accessible feel-good, hoping the sentiment
they are struggling to find has somehow been
achieved in one loving phrase.
Unfortunately, once planted in the psyche
of a survivor, this festers into guilt and failure
for those who don't believe they have achieved
that "something special."
It reaches far beyond the most basic survivor's guilt, already at play for most who have
watched the passing of many in treatment
and are left with the aftertaste of "Why have
they died, and not me? Why have I survived
instead of them?"
Many times, at two or three am, I have been
up with a very emotional, heavily-burdened
young man, grappling with his "less than"
self-concept, having absolutely no idea how
to achieve whatever it is he was "saved to do."
It is heart breaking to watch the struggle, the
unfair self-flagellation, and exasperation of a
down-spiral in mind, body, and spirit.
But much like with barren land after a wildfire, I hope the whisper "Just living is enough"
can sprout seedlings of calm, acceptance and
peace at such destitute times. Because the
cancer diagnosis isn't a deserving sentence;
there is no evaluative process determining who
receives a diagnosis and who doesn't. Don't
believe the idea that only "deserving" people
survive, and demonstrating worthiness is the
charge of post-treatment.
The only person evaluating the quality
of your life stares at you in the mirror. And
hopefully smiles back at you.
Rather than turning to conventional mantra, I prefer to turn to what has withstood the
test of time. Lao Tzu: "Because one believes
in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others.
Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't
need others' approval. Because one accepts
oneself, the whole world accepts him or her."
There are many who don't need cancer survivors, warriors, superheroes, survivor medical
experts or that spiritual reason for surviving.
We look at those who endure treatment and
survivorship with pride, care and love. Just
for who you are and are grateful for where
you are today.
Wishing you all the best,
A caring Mom
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
SEPTEMBER 2019

http://www.elephantsandtea.com

Elephants and Tea - September 2019

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Elephants and Tea - September 2019