Elephants and Tea - September 2019 - 23

I didn't eat or speak to anyone for two weeks.
No exaggeration.
I chewed peppermint gum and existed in
some paranormal vegetative state. My parents
were genuinely terrified. I knew if I returned
to the real world I'd have to face the reality
of my relapse. So please don't be too worried
if your child acts like this. It will take time
and I don't think there is anything you can
do to speed up that process of accepting the
cancer is back.
I wish I could describe to you just a little
bit of what we are feeling, but honestly I feel
like there is no way I can do that. Even now,
I still recall just feeling so empty and surreal.
I'm trying to think of words, but I can't. I distinctly remember how I felt, but I don't know
what to tell you, other than that we need that
time to grieve for ourselves.
We want to get better too, but we are in a
very different emotional space. Sometimes we
just need you as our parent to accept that this
situation sucks and let us be sad and mopey
and reclusive for a bit. If this continues past
a few weeks, I'd say you have problems, but I
think several days of radio silence is fine.
YOU CAN'T FIX THIS.
I know you're going to try! I met a dad who had
read every word of my articles to date and had
done everything I had suggested in a college article. My own dad put his former research background to work and had a new PubMed article
and protocol for the doctor every week.
Another mom I k now reached out to
Imerman Angels and got connected to me
because her daughter and I share similar diagnosis and relapse. That. Is. Awesome. You
are showing your care for your children in the
best ways you can.
But at the end of the day, we are all somewhat powerless. We need to accept the chemo/
radiation/surgery and roll with the punches. I
can't begin to imagine how devastating it must
be for you to stand back and be in this situation. This situation really, really, really sucks.
I felt like my parents tried to make it all
better. I just watched a Parenthood episode,
where one of the characters is diagnosed with
cancer and her husband is trying to stay
positive, and give her a good diet, and helps
out because he wants her to get better. The
cancer character says I just need you to let
me be sad, and for a moment not try to fix
this. No amount of hugs or kisses or band aids
can fix this boo-boo like when we were little.

We need you to accept that. We are young
adults who have been through various challenges through life. Just stand by our side and
be still for a little bit.
GIVE US OUR INDEPENDENCE.
I was in high school for my first cancer, and
college for my second. I know people who've
been forced financially to move home. Some
need to move home to be close to better treatments. Some choose their treatments at their
current homes, away from family. That's ok. We
are adults.
We have had to make choices on college,
jobs, relationships, and housing. Remember
that. Just because we're back on the couch
wrapped in blankets doesn't mean we're your
10-year old kid again. Yeah, we don't know
everything on life, but we want to be treated
like we weren't sick. We're already caged into
hospitals, restricted on where we go and what
we can eat- don't add to the stressors please.
It's going to be so hard for you,
I know, but let us do those events once in
a while, even if it is against your better judgment. Let us be a little reckless occasionally.
Cut us some slack.
After my second cancer treatments, I was
working an engineering internship, and had
to have a surgery to check a suspicious spot. I
scheduled it for a Friday morning, so I could
be back at work Monday. I trusted my surgeon,
so didn't bother getting much info about the
surgery. It ended up being a very tricky surgery,
between my heart and my lungs. One wrong
move either way could have been really bad.
They collapsed one of my lungs for surgery. I
woke up with chest tubes and catheters draining out of me, and practically immobile. Over
the next few days my other lung collapsed and
I faced several complications.
But Sunday morning, my surgeon was doing rounds, and told me if I wanted he would
discharge me that day so I could go to work on
Monday. My mom was so mad at him, because

I wasn't really in a state to leave the hospital.
But he told her I needed to leave so that my
emotional state would be OK, because sometimes that's more important than my physical
state. I didn't leave that day, but his permission
really boosted my mental state and helped me
recover and not feel like an invalid.
"I" made the choice to stay in the hospital,
and I'm forever grateful to Dr. Barksdale for
giving me that choice against all medical logic.
The fact that he gave me the choice showed he
treated me as an adult, and trusted that I would
make the right decision. But sometimes you'll
have to let the germ-free stuff go so that our
mental state will be OK.
I know it defies all common sense and logic,
but maybe something that doesn't seem safe to
you will help bolster our sinking spirits, and
that can be a bigger help long term. Sometimes
all you can do is trust that it will be OK.
DON'T EXPECT US TO CONFIDE
IN YOU.
I overheard my mom telling someone she hoped
I got a boyfriend, so that I would share with
him what I didn't share with her. Not exactly
the number one reason I wanted a boyfriend
though! But there is so much I haven't told my
parents. I always felt really awkward telling them
how I feel, but now they can just read it here...I
poured so much of my heart out to my nurse and
child life specialists instead.
You're our parents. You know us at our best
and our worst. Heck, you created us!
But you are our parents. Every time we look
at your face, we see the pain of our hearts reflected in our eyes. The VERY LAST THING
we can bring ourselves to do is admit to even
more bodily or emotional pain, and be forced
to still look in your eyes. Not sharing with you
is our attempt to ease your pain, as you try
to ease ours. Please allow us this tiny shred
of control.
We know you're hurting. We are too. Thank
you for sticking by us, no matter what.

➥ J E N N I F E R A NA N D WA S DI AGNOSE D W I T H HOD GK I N ' S
LY M PHOM A I N JA N UA RY 2 012 , FOL L OW E D BY C H E MOT H E R A PY
A N D R A DI AT ION T R E AT M E N T S FOR E IGH T MON T H S .
J E N N I F E R IS NOW A SU RV I VOR A N D J US T C E L E BR AT E D H E R
F I V E Y E A R A N N I V E R SA RY T H IS Y E A R A S C A NC E R F R E E .
E V E RY W E E K ON L I N E A N D I N OU R QUA RT E R LY M AG A Z I N E
J E N N I F E R A NA N D W I L L BE PROV I DI NG H E R R E A L S TORY A N D
E X PE R I E NC E S TO H E L P I NSPI R E PAT I E N T S A N D SU RV I VOR S .
W E C A L L T H IS J E N ' S C OR N E R .

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Elephants and Tea - September 2019

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