Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - 20

Dear Cancer...

ANGRY

Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,

Since my diagnosis I have lost two AYAs to you.
However, I have gained a new support system.
And a new family that I didn't want, but one that
I desperately needed.
I have lost two years of my life worrying
about you. But in those two years I have made
amazing memories with my family, friends
and strangers.
I have lost the ability to bear my own children, but I have a better understanding of what
I want in my life and how I fit into the world.
You have gifted me with germaphobia and
daily pain. But you have given me the freedom
to live my life how I want to live.
You have taken these things from me, but I
don't answer to you anymore because I choose
to look forward and to live in the present.
There will always be suffering but it won't
be mine anymore. You have reminded me
patience and kindness to others.
But Cancer will you....... Sincerely f-off,

You caught me by surprise - I thought I had a lot
more time with my mom. I wasn't ready - I was
still in my selfish stage and didn't understand
that I wouldn't have the years that I needed to
grow up and understand my mom. Our family
was immobilized by cancer and the shock kept
us from being there for our mom when she was
dying. I wished we were better at helping her die,
but we could barely understand it ourselves. It
took a nurse to tell us that our mom was dying
and that nothing could be done.
Dear cancer - we need to learn to help those
that are dying. Not to give up but to know when
it's time to give up and allow our loved ones
to die with dignity.
Dear cancer - I know how to Help my family now but I don't want to so please stop this
madness.

I hate you. I hate everything about you. You
latched yourself onto my breast and created a
fast-growing invasive tumor that decided to travel
to other essential parts of my body.
You do not care who I am. You do not care
about my family, my heart or my mind. You
only care about killing and destroying the life
I once had. You do not care about my dreams
of dying peacefully as a content old woman,
side by side with my loving husband. But that
is not what you want.
You want my body to betray me, to struggle,
to hurt and be scared day in and day out. I no
longer feel the same about who I am. I hate that you stole my smile, my laughter, my light. I hate
the way you bring endless tears and sadness with just the mention of your name. Six letters that
make up one measly word that brings a tidal wave of destruction and fear.
I hate that you stole a year of my young life. I hate that you stole my fertility and my biggest
dream of becoming a mother. I will never be able to experience the joy and feeling of being
pregnant and carrying another life inside of my body.
I hate that I am reminded of you every day because of your aftermath. Your scars on my skin,
your stolen hair, nails, eyebrows, femininity, appetite and joy. You stole my physical strength, my
ability to be independent and so much of my confidence. I cannot stand to look in the mirror right
now. I don't even recognize the person looking back at me. I feel disconnected with my reflection.
I am tired of crying and feeling different. I am tired of the deep sadness and uncertainty
that you bring to me. I hate that when I am done fighting you, and I have won this battle
against you, I will still wake up every day and worry about reoccurrence. I will worry and
stress about how reoccurrence will most likely mean a slow and painful death.
Cancer you have taken so many simple things away from me. I miss laughing and finding
humor in the little and insignificant things in life. I miss the smell of the world while I sit
inside protecting myself from the germs in the outside world. I miss the ocean and the ability
to sit in the sun while you warm me from the outside in. All of these beautiful things I now
have to avoid because of you.
Cancer, I hate that you have changed my relationships. You have caused dear friends to isolate
me. You have caused my friends and family to be fearful of me or what I look like. Many have
stayed away because of you. You have caused my friends and family an equal amount of pain
because of their fears of losing me to you.
Cancer I hate that you have rocked my marriage. You have broken our spirits and caused my
husband to spiral out of control. He is lost and I can't help him find his way back right now. I
am too busy and weak trying to live another day and another hour.
Cancer, I hate that you cause an isolation that I could have never imagined. I often sit back and
watch the world happen around me while I sit isolated in my own cancer bubble. It's like I'm in
an alternate universe. I have literally been fighting for my life while being pushed to the limits
mentally and physically. This is a battle I could have never imagined for myself.
Cancer you have poked, damaged and bruised my arms to a pulp from a trillion IVs and blood
draws all just to receive the vital poison to hopefully shrink these rapidly growing tumors. You
have caused me so much physical pain from the drug interactions, surgeries, biopsies, bruises,
blisters and radiation burns. Not to mention, you have caused mental and financial pain since I
have had to cut back hours and eventually stop working all just to have the time I need to fight
this disease just to make sure it's not going to kill me.
Cancer, I will never forgive you for what you have done to me or my family, but I will also
never forget what you have taught me about myself. I have found a strength inside of me that
I never knew existed. You took it all.... but you did not take me, my life, NOT TODAY Cancer.

W E N DY SE C OR D

A M Y C OR R E A

SA M A N T H A K R I Z O

Dear Cancer,

20

ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2019


http://www.elephantsandtea.com

Elephants And Tea - December 2019

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Elephants And Tea - December 2019

Contents
Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - Cover1
Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - Cover2
Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - 1
Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - Contents
Elephants And Tea - December 2019 - 3
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