Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 10

Gen Z TEEN CANCER AMERICA
From One Healthy
Sibling to Another
BY MAYA SOLWREN
W
10
e don't know each other,
but we share a similar
experience. When I was
13 my younger sister
was diagnosed with
Leukemia. So I can understand what you're
going through. I am not writing this letter with
the intention of telling you that our experiences
will be the same. My goal is to share with
you the way I felt and what I wish I knew, so you
don't feel as alone as I did and have some sort of
guidance. My sister spent a year in and out of
the hospital. I spent that time alone and scared.
I was placed on the back burner. My family
dynamic changed, and I became the glue that
held my family together. I suppressed my
emotions and kept my problems to myself so
that I didn't burden my parents. At the time the
only way I knew how to get through her diagnosis
was to shut down. Years after my sister
was cured, I began to heal from the traumatic
experience. Even now, seven years later, I am
still processing how my experience impacted
me. I have begun to heal by learning how to
advocate for myself, sharing my emotions and
experiences, and rebuilding relationships with
my family members.
When my sister was sick, I felt guilty for
being healthy, for not being nicer to her
before she was sick, and for being jealous of
all the attention she was getting. Then I felt
guilty for feeling guilty, because how was I
supposed to know what was going to happen?
It was not my fault she was sick, and she
needed attention because she was fighting for
her life. I never shared those thoughts with
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
anyone until much, much later. I was jealous
of the attention she was getting because I was
alone all the time - at first, I was excited to
have the freedom of being home alone, but
it quickly became depressing, lonely, and a
reminder of how insignificant I was at the
time. Despite needing more attention and a
parental figure to help guide me through my
teenage years, I never asked for it. I didn't
think I actually needed it, because my sister
needed it more. I didn't want to add to the
list of things my parents had to deal with. I
wish I hadn't compared my needs to hers,
because obviously cancer is going to trump
what you might need. In reality, I was also
tremendously affected by cancer and needed
support. Because of our age, people think that
we are competent enough to be left behind.
Because my parents put all of their energy
into caring for my sister, I didn't think they
noticed my struggles. This caused me to put
up walls. It also leads me to feel the need to
be perfect in every way. If I was getting good
grades and didn't have any health problems
or negative emotions, then I was making life
easier for my parents - not true! For me, it
was a way to be less of a burden to others. In
reality, I was putting too harsh expectations
on myself.
I kept everything bottled up and never
accepted help from people or actually shared
how I was doing, because so many times I got
messages that nothing was about me, everything
was about her. Because I kept things
bottled up, I became depressed, and I got sick
more often. I also let my emotions out over
the weirdest things - one time I dropped a
piece of pizza and it was like a switch flipped
inside of me. The pizza falling sent me into
a frenzy; I was screaming and crying over
what looked from the outside to be a slice of
pizza, but it was just a tipping point.
My emotions were so strong that I didn't
even know what I was feeling. When I visited
my sister in the hospital, my emotions became
even stronger and more confusing. Because I
thought I shouldn't show emotion, it was too
hard for me to visit her. It hurt too much to
see her. I wish I had allowed myself to feel my
emotions and be vulnerable with my family,
especially my sister. My lack of vulnerability
caused her to think that I didn't care, and this
ruined our relationship. In reality, I cared so
much that I couldn't explain it. When my
sister was going through treatment, no one's
pain could compare to my own, and every
issue was insignificant compared to cancer.
I was able to get some emotional support
and feel cared for, and I met others my age
at a sibling support summer camp. There I
was able to find people that did have issues
as big as mine and could maybe feel my pain.
I think listening to my parents and going to
the camp when I didn't want to was the best
thing that my parents did for me during my
sister's treatment. With other siblings, I was
able to hear other people's experiences and feel
less alone. I was also able to escape - I was my
age, I didn't have to be alone somewhere, I was
able to have fun and I wasn't the person whose
sister had cancer. I also didn't have to put
up with ignorant comments about cancer.l
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Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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