Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 17

DEALING WITH LOSS Survivor's Guilt
dangers of looking up a medical condition
on the internet. He was due for a follow-up
appointment the next day, which all of a
sudden involved a bone marrow aspiration.
The pieces to this puzzle were slowly fitting
together. That's when grief hit me for the first
time. We had received bad news about his
cancer many times before, but this time felt
different. There was an eeriness about it all.
The next day I found myself pacing in the
waiting room while Will was having his bone
marrow aspiration. I sat through many of his
surgeries before, all of which lasted several
hours, but something about this " simple
procedure " made me want to puke. Part of
that may have been due to the fact that Will
had to fast prior to it, so I did the same, to
only be fair. That's what you do for the ones
you love. I found myself staring at the clock
and it felt like an eternity before his team
finally found me in the waiting room to tell
me Will was ready for me in recovery. They
then told me the procedure was a bit more
difficult than they expected, suggesting that
this was likely what we all hoped it wasn't...
Myelodysplastic Syndrome or potentially
Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Grief tried to
introduce itself again, but I quickly pushed
it aside. I had no choice but to take a deep
breath and collect myself before hurrying
to see Will. I was his calm and he was mine,
and the last thing I wanted to do was fall
apart in front of him. I craved turning back
time to just weeks prior when we celebrated
the best day of our lives. More grief.
The following week it was official...Will
had MDS. Grief was back. It told us to make
room because it wasn't going away this time.
Suddenly the wedding festivities of the next
few months came to a halt. I was devastated,
but knew our time would come to have
tastings, wedding showers, and everything
in between. Besides, all I wanted was to
spend the rest of my life with Will. Here
comes the BIG grief.
I never got to walk down the aisle to Will,
but we exchanged vows long before we talked
about marriage. Will and I were both sarcoma
survivors when we met, and it didn't
take long before we realized we couldn't
imagine life without one another. When Will
relapsed for the first time in December 2016,
just three months after we started dating, we
made a promise to take care of each other
along the way - no matter how difficult it
might become. When MDS entered our lives,
grief came along too - a package deal we
never wanted. As twenty-somethings, Will
and I were just starting our lives. Will was a
second-year law student and I was following
my passion as a non-profit worker. We had a
plan, and then grief arrived - with a plan B,
and then a plan C. Will was forced to make
many sacrifices throughout his diagnosis
with cancer, but it wasn't until MDS that
it seemed like every day he had to make a
new sacrifice. He grieved his identity as a
student, a partner, a son, a brother, a friend.
I was holding on tight to the life we had and
the life we would get back once this was all
over. Grief said, " Good try. "
I lost Will five days after my 24th birthday.
I was in complete disbelief. The numbness
came quickly. I stopped eat ing. I
stopped sleeping. Everything was foggy -
and somehow the world kept moving around
me. I spent the next several months trying
to put on a brave face because I couldn't
handle the empty platitudes and teary eyes
of others. My grief was far too heavy on its
own. It still is.
Grief, you make me angry. Stubborn.
Afraid. Lonely. I wish you'd leave me alone,
but we both know that is never going to happen.
I'm begging you to let me take the lead.
I promise I won't neglect you, but you need
to give me some space. I need to be able to
coexist with you. If you are going to make
me carry you, then I need some silence every
once in a while. There is no need for you to
make noise when I am trying to concentrate
on my Contracts homework. You don't need
to ride so close to me during cycling class.
Please let me sleep - I am so tired. I need
you to loosen your grip on me. I am perfectly
capable of putting one foot in front of the
other on my own. I need you to release me
from my self-doubt and my fears. I need
you to give me room for joy. I need you to
let me laugh. I need you to let me be with
Will even though it will never be the same.
Grief, you seem to have forgotten that I
have been through a lifetime of loss before
my life has even truly started. Give me a
break. Allow me to navigate this next chapter
without breathing down my neck. I am
aching for some time to myself.
Grief, I need to find my strength again.
I've put up with being knocked down too
many times. It's my turn to show you how
brave I really am. Ask Will - he reminded
me of it every day. l
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
17
I never got to walk
down the aisle to Will,
but we exchanged
vows long before we
talked about marriage.
Will and I were both
sarcoma survivors
when we met, and it
didn't take long before
we realized we couldn't
imagine life without
one another.
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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