Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 18

Grieving Yourself DIAGNOSIS
Supposed to Be My Year
BY ASHLEY SEVERSON
2021 was supposed to be my year. Living in Los Angeles, I
made it through 2020 relatively unscathed, with big plans
for the year ahead. I was transferring within my job, moving
across the country, and starting my life with the man I love.
The moving date comes at the end of January. My car is packed
up, and my mom and I are ready for our 1,800-mile drive from
Los Angeles to Saint Louis. We made good time, and I was
able to get unpacked and settled before I started work. My
mom flew back to California. We got into a routine, and things
were going great. I had everything I had hoped for during our
almost two years of long distance. We were happy.
Skip forward to March. We flew out to California
for my birthday. Spent time with my
family and had an amazing trip. Two days after
my birthday, I used my lunch break at work
to stop by an urgent care. Pesky UTIs always
seem to sneak up at the most inconvenient
times. Two hours later I was told, " There is
a mass on your kidney, and it's in the blood
vessels heading to your heart. " My entire world
stopped. How could I be hearing these words?
Truly this is something you hear about happening
to someone else, not something that
happens to you.
Six days go by, filled with scans and tests.
I was poked and prodded more within these
days than I had in my entire life. Next, I am
admitted to the hospital where my kidney,
adrenal gland, and some lymph nodes are removed.
I have made it through the hard part.
The risk that came with surgery is behind me.
Now I just have to heal. Boy, was I naïve...
Now my weeks and months are filled with
doctor appointments, scans, blood tests, and
treatments. The time meant for working is
spent on bathroom floors where I lose my
lunch shortly after eating it. I am tired, weak,
and depleted. 2021 was supposed to be my year.
I had so many plans. I had so many dreams.
Now, I struggle thinking about anything long
term. There is always the constant fear that any
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DECEMBER 2021
plans made can quickly be ruined by scans
with evidence of lesions or other concerning
results. How do you live your life when the
promise of tomorrow is no longer there like
it had been " before " ?
I grieve for my " before " . I miss the me that I
used to be. The innocence and the misplaced
knowledge that nothing bad would happen,
that I was invincible. I realized that I didn't
fully understand all of the struggles that cancer
brings until I was thrown into its path. I
felt so isolated and scared, even though the
doctors were hopeful at the possibility of a
good outcome. Why was I not happy with that?
Why was I still focusing on the bad and scary
when they said I had my life to keep living?
I went to a virtual seminar where they were
offering a course on grief. Coping with the loss
of your pre-cancer self. Even just the title hit
home. I had never been to a cancer seminar
before, though. People recommended it, but
I resisted at first. I did not want to be part of
the group. I did not want to NEED to go to it...
but I knew I was having a hard time. I finally
accepted that it might be good to listen in and
see what they had to say.
I had never been so proud of myself to have
tried something new. Everything made a bit
more sense, and my feelings were validated.
I had been trying to hold back my feelings; I
had been pushing them down and ignoring
them, so that I could feel like I was as strong as
everyone said I was. Strong was the last word
I would have used to describe myself at that
time. I felt so weak because I kept having bad
days where the sadness and heaviness would
overtake me. Why couldn't I be happy and
enjoy the days that I had been given?
Turns out it was because I had lost so much,
and as with many different types of losses,
you have to give yourself the space to grieve.
I had lost my prior five-year plans, my safety
and security, my health, my optimism, and
so much more. Grief is not a linear path that
you get through with determination. There
are the " stages of grief " and yeah, they are
numbered, but my numbers looked more like
3, 2, 4 versus 1, 2, 3. The path of grief is more
like a maze, where you might feel like you are
headed in the right direction for a while, but
one little turn of the path and next thing you
know it feels like day one all over again. Lost
and confused and feeling hopeless.
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Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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