Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 39

REFLECTIONS WITH RACHEL Conversation
this show brings up some beautifully difficult
feelings. This was one of the most fulfilling experiences
I've ever had, and it's so bittersweet to
know that it has passed. I had such a wonderful
cast and got to dive into a beautifully written
script with a group of people who were not only
my friends but also committed to making it
an incredible performance.
It went so much deeper than a show for me.
It became a way for me to share my feelings and
experience when my own words failed me. I
truly put my heart and soul into this show, and
my heart aches from recalling it all. I learned
so much about the characters: Prentice, Mrs.
Joyce, Evelyn, Ann, Bid, and Mary; I saw pieces
of my brokenness in them, which brought me
validation and peace in my continuing struggle
with survivorship.
I felt broken and lost when I reached survivorship.
I had no idea who I was anymore.
Health is something I took for granted, and
I didn't realize how much it mattered until it
diminished. After I reached remission, I lived
in fear of recurrence for a long time. I was
frustrated that I had gotten cancer in the first
place, and the certainty I used to feel each day
dissipated. It was a slap in the face that I truly
wasn't guaranteed tomorrow, an idea that is
rampant in the world of Christianity in which
I was raised, but it doesn't truly resonate until
uncertainty knocks on your door.
I wanted to be intentional about everything
I did after cancer. I wanted to see meaning in
each day, and I wanted to see a clear reason why
I went through what I did. I was consumed by
the idea that what I went through wasn't fair
and have been grappling with the question of
why bad things happen. Why do we suffer?
Why is life so hard?
" Dreamlost " gave me a chance to put meaning
into my everyday life again. I got to stage
a production that dealt with real world problems,
things that many college students can't
comprehend. However, despite the deeper
meaning of this show, there were still times
during the production that I had mundane
tasks. I made a prop list, gathered props, and
chose furniture pieces for the set. I created a
rehearsal schedule and had to change venues
for rehearsals multiple times. These are all a
part of the rehearsal process, and while I love
the entire process, work that feels less meaningful
is required in all aspects of life.
Sometimes there are things that just need to
get done, even if there's not a " deeper meaning "
to why the prop phone was beige or how
the rehearsal schedule is formatted. I grappled
with the idea that every single moment of
my post-cancer life wasn't going to be meaningful,
no matter how much I wanted that. I
wanted to make every second count, and at
times when it felt like that wasn't the case, I
became frustrated beyond belief. I was struck
with my mortality and just wanted to do the
significant and important things. I wanted to
direct a show that would change the audience's
perspective on life. Big goal for a student-directed
production.
What I learned from " Dreamlost, " however,
was far more impactful for me than anything
I could've given to the audience. " Dreamlost "
taught me about the beauty of vulnerability in
hard times and how, through whatever you're
grieving, we are all connected. Suffering and
loss is part of the human experience, for better
or worse, and grief is unavoidable.
I grieved the ending of " Dreamlost. " I
grieved graduating college and leaving behind
some wonderful friends, those who went elsewhere
to start their careers and those younger
than me who I left behind to finish their degrees.
But I grieved those things because of
how much they meant to me, and how much
they still mean to me. Bittersweet doesn't
begin to cover what it feels like to leave those
things behind.
There's a line in
" Dreamlost " that the main
character, Prentice, says to
himself that will stay with
me for a long time. He
says, " Prentice Dechaos,
you're dreamlost.. and one
day you'll find the dawn. "
With the dawn comes a
new day, and with that
new day comes hope.
Now I'm onto finding some new friends,
building connections at a new theatre to continue
my passion, and learning how to continue
friendships with those that matter most to me.
There's a line in " Dreamlost " that the main
character, Prentice, says to himself that will
stay with me for a long time. He says, " Prentice
Dechaos, you're dreamlost.. and one day you'll
find the dawn. " With the dawn comes a new
day, and with that new day comes hope. I've
lived many days where hope was hard to come
by, and I'd be lying if I said those days are all
in my past. As hard as new beginnings are,
there is beauty to be found in them through
the grief of endings. l
RACHEL MIHALKO IS THE PROGRAM MANAGER AT ELEPHANTS AND TEA AND IS A
HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA SURVIVOR. SHE LOVES THEATRE, WRITING POETRY, AND
CRAFTING OF ALL SORTS. READING HAS FUELED HER PASSION FOR WRITING, AND
YOU WILL RARELY FIND HER WITHOUT A BOOK ON HAND.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
39
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - December 2021

Table of Contents for the Digital Edition of Elephants and Tea - December 2021
