Elephants and Tea - December 2021 - 9

HOPE Finding Meaning
" There is no greater sorrow than
to recall happiness in times of
misery. "
- Dante Alighieri
Catching a glimpse of a photograph of my
pre-cancer life is the most grief triggering
moment for me. A snapshot of a life that
feels as though it never happened. Happy
memories that seem so faded, so far away,
that I have almost no recollection of those
moments. When I look at a picture of my
pre-cancer self, I truly don't even recognize
who that person is. What did she think about?
What were her greatest worries? What did
she spend her time doing, if not constantly
examining her body, constantly questioning
her thoughts, constantly worrying about her
future, or lack thereof?
It has come to the point where I have officially
segmented my life into two parts:
pre-cancer and post-cancer... old me and
new me. When I force myself to examine my
feelings and truly sit in my grief, the 'type A'
in me tends to create a mental " pros and cons''
list. This list documents how much cancer
and the overwhelming grief has changed my
life, as well as the lives of the people I love
the most. I had always been a fairly anxious
person, but fighting cancer brought those
feelings of anxiety to a whole new level. All
innocence was lost... a headache would never
again just simply be " a headache, " a doctor's
office would never be visited again without
feeling pangs of my severe post-traumatic
stress. Gone were my once trivial worries, and
now each day brought about new challenges
that I had to conquer.
As difficult as it is to admit, however, there
is a positive side to my experiences and the
overwhelming grief. Because of my struggles,
I take much better care of myself. I make time
for self-care - something as a mom of two
young boys I never made a priority prior to
cancer. I find that I tend to savor the little
moments more than I used to. I take less for
granted and truly enjoy every aspect of my
life. It's not that I didn't enjoy life before; I
just didn't grasp or comprehend how quickly
it could all be taken away from me. With
any grief I feel day to day, I try to sit in my
thoughts and then remind myself of the
positive things that have come of it all, even
when it is difficult to do so.
" It's not simply forgetting and
moving on; that's never how
it works. That's not how grief
works. That's not how sadness
works... You've got to make a
little home inside of you for those
memories and feelings. Whether
you want them there or not,
those memories are a part of
you now... So you have to make
room. You have to allow yourself
to feel them deeply and accept
that they are a piece of you.
You will never be able to force
out their intensity, their depth,
their persistence. So let them in
instead... Feel them and accept
them, and know that even though
they are a part of your yesterday,
they do not get to define your
tomorrow. "
- Nikki Banas
I now believe that in order to heal, you need
to allow your body to feel. Rather than brush
the difficult emotions under the rug, allow
them to take space in your mind. Let them run
their course through your body. Take the time
to find ways to release that grief and sadness so
that you truly work to move past the feelings
rather than bury them deeper within you. If
you take the time to do so, I think you will
surprise yourself. I think you will find that
grief, in a way, can reveal the real you. True
grief, true heartbreak, real trauma can change
the course of your life in many ways.
Promise me that you will not let the grief
overtake you. Promise me that you will try
to use your grief to propel you forward. Let
your hard times inspire you to follow a new
path. Use this newfound fire to inspire others
around you. Sharing the difficulties of what
you are going through, or what you have
been through, could truly change someone's
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
DECEMBER 2021
9
life. I believe now that grief doesn't grow with
you, but instead you grow around it. You will
never be the same as you once were. Let that
catapult you into the future with a new sense
of purpose, a new sense of urgency. We GET
the opportunity to feel these feelings. At this
exact moment, as you read these words, you
are a living and breathing human being with
the opportunity to change your path. Yes, bad
things have happened. Yes, grief will most likely
be felt in the future... but in the moments
where you feel like you can come up for air,
feel empowered to turn your story into one
that you are proud of. Remind yourself that
where there is grief, there is love. Let the love
that remains light the way. l
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Elephants and Tea - December 2021

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