Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 15

FACING FEAR Finding Peace in the Divine
Cancer has been in my body for a while.
No one can say exactly how long. We just
know it has been there and that it tried to
grow aggressively before we had a chance
to find it and kill it. I hold to the belief that
God stopped it from spreading. I don't
know why. However, I felt his presence
through all the prayers sent up on my
behalf. The type of breast cancer I have
(non-hormone driven or Triple Negative)
spreads quickly, and unfortunately I did
not go in to get checked as soon as I felt
the lump; I waited close to two months to
go to my primary care doctor for an initial
check. I had developed a fear of germs
post-partum with my second baby, coupled
with the emergence of the global pandemic.
I then had to wait another month, waking
up daily with cancer still in my body,
while I underwent all the tests necessary
to finally begin chemotherapy.
As I sit in the kindness of the God I feel
is near, real, and cares about each one of
us despite all the pain we each encounter,
I know I am held, kept, and loved, and I
wonder what else will be a part of my story
after waking up from this bilateral mastectomy
surgery next month. I wonder what's
behind my door.
I find myself contemplating the facts,
that the comforting possibility remains that
my experience with cancer could end with
healing and physical restoration, and that
God is safe to hope in. Still, the uncertainty
of what could come causes a lingering fear.
The fear is like a moat that surrounds this
fortress of hope I am attempting to live in.
A fire breathing dragon lives in the moat,
burning his fire-breath close to my fragile
frame, and as I attempt to run across the
bridge despite the dragon, and the moat, I
realize the bridge is cracked. The foundation
of the bridge is unstable, and the moat
of fear and the dragon attempt to take me
down. Some moments I can skip across the
bridge positive I'll make it across unscathed,
while other moments I'm just as sure the
crack in the bridge will give way without
warning.
I live here; reluctantly hopeful, yet surrounded
by things I fear. I notice there is
only one imperfect way forward, across
the unstable bridge, past the Moat, to the
solid foundation of the Fortress, so I keep
getting up. Like Anna in Frozen 2, I get up
and I " do the next right thing, " which for
me, like Anna, is to keep walking, despite
the fear that inevitably wells up in my chest
as I cautiously take each step. I keep moving
forward. In an effort to keep going, and to
strengthen my resolve, I look out at the moat
of fear trying to keep me from feeling the
safety and peace the Fortress brings, and I
say truth to it:
" Well, good morning again, Moat. Did
you know that everyone I've ever known
that trusts in God is praying for my physical
restoration? "
And:
" Hey Moat. Happy Tuesday. Did you
know that this Fortress of hope you surround
is God's? "
" Moat of fear, 'God is my refuge and my
fortress. My God, in whom I trust. He will
cover [me] with his feathers, and under his
wings [I] will find refuge; His faithfulness
will be [my] shield' (Psalm 91:1-4). "
In essence, I hope to get my message
across to the Moat; that the Fortress it surrounds
is solid, immovable, whole, totally
Other. In fact, the Fortress has a name,
and it is Jehovah-Rapha, God our Healer,
who holds the power to redirect outcomes,
and that is who I trust in; my foundation
is the God who has the power to redirect
outcomes.
Even as I speak truth to the Moat with
conviction and surety, I wonder solemnly:
will the Moat ever dry up? If so, how, or
when?
Wincing, I breathe into my ribcage deeply
and allow my long exhale fully out before
I brave walking, really tiptoeing, with uncertainty
across this cracked bridge of life
suspended over the Moat of fear, finding
confidence in one thing: the truth I believe
of God as my Fortress; that I am not walking
this unstable bridge alone. God is here with
a " righteous right hand " to uphold and to
strengthen me (Isaiah 41:10).
Allowing my face to soften, I keep breathing
deep, and on an inhale, I capture God's
presence within my heart and remember
more truths I believe; that every one of us
moves without certainty of how our story
will go; whether the bridge underneath us
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Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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