Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 23

REDEFINING FAITH Examining Your Faith
My faith definitely played a role in the
approach I took with my family after being
diagnosed. I did not realize that my
faith in myself and my choice to believe
in something at all is what led me to that
point in my life. Being diagnosed with
Stage III Melanoma was a test for me and
my immediate family, but it was a test
that challenged me to see what I could
handle as a result. Not knowing what
my body was going to be capable of was
a test. Not knowing if I was going to be
able to keep going with school and work
and acting and the things and people
that brought me joy was all going to be
a test. One that I couldn't really study
for before taking. Of course, thinking
about it now, I should have been a lot
more anxious about it all, but I did have
faith that the people around me were
going to do their best to make sure that
we all made it out through to the other
side: together.
Everyone had immediate faith in my
providers; that they were going to be
able to have trust in their own personal
level of expertise and make choices that
were right for me when I was truly the
most vulnerable that I had ever been in
my life. The providers, in turn, had faith
that we were going to be consistent and
attentive to what we had to do in order
to hold up our end of the bargain. Faith
is what gave me the strength to drive
back and forth to see the providers from
two states away, once a month, for over
a year in undergrad.
And in the Bible, the doc t r ine of
Catholicism, all great tests require an
element of faith. In God, sure. But these
individuals who had faith in their God
had covert faith in themselves and what
they chose to bel ieve in and fol low,
to the point of what was somet imes
an ultimate sacrifice. I'm thinking of
Abraham sacrificing his kid on the top
of a mountain. BRAVO TV can only
dream of attaining that level of drama,
but nevertheless.
The idea of religion and spirituality
is something that I have wrestled with
for a very long time in my life. How am
I supposed to trust a person who took
a vow of poverty, but also drinks wine
out of a ruby-encrusted cup? People who
tell me to forgive the murderer and the
criminal, but hate my queer neighbors?
There were so many feelings of conflict
inside of me that I never really knew
where to put them all. I had neglected
to address any of them really, until I was
diagnosed and the rug was ripped out
from underneath me. I had to choose
to put it back, as neat ly as I possibly
could, but I was not sure how. This was
around the time that my best friend in
Albany started their journey towards
being confirmed in the Catholic faith
tradition.
One of the most exciting moments of
my time in Upstate New York was realizing
that this friend trusted me enough
to want me to be their Confirmation
sponsor with them. We hadn't shied
away from having tough conversations
about faith, politics, you know - all of
the dinner conversat ions you are instructed
to avoid from a young age. It
was around this time that as a result,
I started going to mass with them as
weekly as I possibly could. The church
we decided to at tend was across the
street from our favorite ice cream place,
so we would attend at 7 p.m. on Sunday
evenings, then go to Emack and Bolio's
and debrief with a milkshake.
Sitting in that church, with a priest
who delivered homilies that were more
like conversations, helped me realize
that a great deal of what I consider
to be my faith comes from being able
to sit and reflect in silence. I have to
permit myself to take time to consider
these guidelines, these rules that have
helped coach me to this point in my life
and decide to test myself by electing to
move forward with whatever it is I would
like to accomplish or change. The voice
that pushes me to test myself is God, or
maybe God pushing what I have come
to label my " wishful self, " into moving
towards one direction or another.
The most significant test is that of
trusting yourself. My faith and spirituality
help me to design how my trust
in myself manifests. There is no right
or wrong way to come to approach that
test on your own. Part of this has been
leaning into both my faith and my spirituality,
as these are two very different
things. An individual can be both
spiritual and faithful; both faith and
spirituality are referred to as types of a
journey since they both can and should
evolve over time.
My faith has ebbed and flowed from
when I was young. My perspec t ive
changed as a result of my experience
with Melanoma. I'm sure, both fortunately
and unfortunately, that my journey
with my faith will be something that
I am challenged with moving forward.
Cancer, nonetheless, has cemented the
faith that I have within myself; where I
have been and where I am going in my
life. I hope that I always continue to
trust in myself and my decision making,
even when my faith in other aspects of
my life might be shaken. l
AILEEN BURKE IS A STAGE III MELANOMA SURVIVOR. SHE CURRENTLY RESIDES IN ALBANY,
NEW YORK WHERE SHE IS WORKING TOWARDS HER MASTERS IN SOCIAL WORK AT THE
COLLEGE OF SAINT ROSE; HER FIELD PLACEMENT IS AT A LOCAL CANCER CENTER. WHEN
SHE'S NOT WRITING OR TRYING HER DARNDEST TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW, AILEEN
SPENDS A LOT OF HER TIME MAKING THEATRE HAPPEN OR HUNTING TO FIND THE BEST
COFFEE SPOT ON THE EAST COAST. JAVA SUGGESTIONS AND FRIENDSHIP APPLICATIONS
CAN BE SENT TO AILEENBURKE735@GMAIL .COM.
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2022
23
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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