Elephants and Tea - March 2022 - 30

Frustration in Faith HARD TRUTHS
" Many things happen for no reason
at all, and we must come to terms
with that one way or another. "
ing in the first place? I quickly grew tired of
being one of his " strongest soldiers " in a war
that I did not sign up for. There is no way to
make it make sense, and I often nearly drive
myself mad trying to figure it out.
During treatment, it hurt even more to
see the effects that cancer has on other
people. It was brutal going into remission
as I watched my young friends die from
cancer. A friend I made on Twitter who
had testicular cancer has not tweeted since
last summer. An influencer in the nursing
community had his life taken because his
insurance company could not get themselves
together in time to save his life with a
transplant. I see the black screens to honor
other patients' passing on @thecancerpatient's
Instagram. They all had so much life
left to live, and they all did so much good
in the world. So what did my friends dying
have to do with everything happening for
a reason? And why wasn't I the one who
died instead? This has nothing to do with
God's plan and everything to do with shitty
luck. People who have never been there are
naïve to the realities of cancer, whether it
kills you or just permanently maims you.
I have not updated my CaringBridge in
a while, but if I were to do so, I would tell
everyone the harsh truth. I would stop
saying " but " to people who told me to
look at the bright side. Instead, I would
just tell them how it actually is, leaving
out the things that I forced myself to be
thankful for while forcing myself to stay
alive. I don't think people can completely
understand how truly soul-crushing it is
unless they see the unfiltered version of
my mom watching me turn purple during
my reaction or my dad crying beside my
hospital bed about not taking me fishing
the summer before.
That's not beautiful. It is tragic. It is not
part of God's plan for parents to be traumatized
by the near-death experiences of
their 21-year-old. God's plan has absolutely
nothing to do with my husband of one year
and four months picking up my fragile
body from the bathtub while I felt like my
bones were full of electricity and my skin
was made of bruises from a Neulasta injection.
" In sickness and in health " is not
supposed to be tested so early on. And God
surely never meant for me to question my
worth to the being that is supposed to love
me and protect me from harm. Why did He
allow this to happen to anyone, and why did
he choose not to protect us? There are no
suitable answers.
I finished chemotherapy the month the
pandemic hit, and suddenly, no one wanted
to offer anything more than thoughts and
prayers, which were much easier for them
to contribute. However, when it came time
to actually help me stay alive, they wouldn't
wear masks or socially distance. Instead,
they shared posts claiming that only the
elderly and immunocompromised will die.
I was the immunocompromised person that
they were willing to sacrifice.
I fought so hard to be alive just to be
threatened by a once-in-lifetime pandemic,
and my Christian friends could not love
their neighbors enough to put my safety
before their selfishness. Is that what God's
love looks like: giving kids cancer, then a
pandemic to deal the final blow? That's pretty
messed up, and it hurt to see these people
be so willing to let me die. Their actions
mimicked " Lord of the Flies " more than a
single parable from Jesus Christ. It felt like
God and the members of His church had
turned their backs on me altogether. Others
bragged that they trusted the immune
system God gave them, while my immune
system actively plotted my death.
Since finishing treatment in May of 2020,
my physical health has recovered most of
the way, and I have tried to find my own
relationship with God. I've spent time with
friends who care about me, know my trauma,
and know God in a very different way.
We've dug deep into the Bible just to find
that the cashier's words are not biblically
based. Instead, they're a coping mechanism
for people who have not experienced
trauma to explain why bad things happen
in the world.
The real reason that bad things happen to
random people is completely unknown. It
wasn't because of something that I had done,
and it's not so that God can make something
beautiful out of my trauma. I know these
things because my cancer friends were good
people, and their deaths did not trigger
anything beautiful, only heartbreaks. Bad
things just happen for no reason. That's
it. So stop telling cancer patients that our
suffering is all a part of some grand plan;
it's harmful to our relationships with spirituality
during a time when we could really
use a connection with something outside
of ourselves. Many things happen for no
reason at all, and we must come to terms
with that one way or another. l
MARA THRASHER IS A WIFE, DOG MOM, NURSE, SANDALS-WEARER, AND MASSIVE TAYLOR SWIFT
FAN. SHE LIKES RIDING HER BIKE, COOKING, AND GROWING HER HOUSEPLANT COLLECTION
(EVEN PAST THE SPACE CONSTRAINTS IN HER HOME!). YOU CAN FIND HER WITH HER HUSBAND
AND DOGS FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER IN A CANOE, POINTING OUT EVERY FISH THAT PASSES
BY OR WITH HER FAMILY HAVING WEEKLY DINNERS COOKED BY HER PARENTS. SHE SURVIVED
STAGE 2 HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA AFTER 12 CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENTS AND 10 DAYS OF
RADIATION. THANKFULLY, SHE HAS BEEN IN REMISSION FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS, AND SHE
HOPES TO KEEP THAT STREAK GOING FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE .
30
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
MARCH 2022
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - March 2022

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