Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 36

Dear Cancer...
ALIQUE TOPALIAN PHD, MPH
Dear Cancer,
My word, you really are a tricky little one.
I don't remember a life before you or without
you. You seem to love to stick to me like
glue. First popping out your dirty little head
in 1998 when I was only four, taking my eye
and my trust in my own body. You left me
with existential questions a four-year-old
can barely understand. You left a mark that
guided me into my career for answers, searching
in psychology, moving on to a master's in
public health, and finally achieving a PhD. I
was applying for my first survivorship grant
not even a year from graduation to help others
like me. I turned in the grant March 5, 2021,
and was so excited to finally be able to turn my
dreams into action. Little did I know that two
weeks later, I would be getting a bone marrow
biopsy, packing my things, and moving home
to be inpatient for the next six weeks, which
turned into six months.
Tricky, tricky, little one, hiding in the
shadows of my body just enough to be undetectable
for 22 years. It's impossible for
you to relapse, a doctor told me in August
2020, claiming I no longer needed follow-up
or monitoring. Take this as a lesson to never
say never because anything can happen.
Cancer can hurl your life over the edge of
a cliff and leave you in freefall so long that
you forget there is a bottom. The winds
rushing around you, nothing to catch you,
nothing to hold onto. You continue to fall.
Until one day, you are out of the hospital
and there is no further active treatment,
no follow up every day or week, and visits
become further and further apart. That is
when you hit the bottom, the moment you
have a second to catch your breath and
remember everything that has taken place
since the day you were diagnosed. You let it
consume you. You learn to navigate life on
oral chemotherapy for 3-5 years. You feel as
though you are being eaten alive just to be
spit out into a ball of mush. The walls have
crumbled around you. What is this new life,
this new normal I never desired to have?
You must rebuild. You must start again.
You can't hide from life or relish in the comfort
of your bed. You must face people who
36
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
HATEFUL YET THANKFUL
DEAR CANCER, YOU STICK TO ME LIKE GLUE
may no longer recognize you.
You look in the mirror and don't
recognize yourself. You question
everything that has taken place.
Was it all a dream? Did it even
happen? For me, the more I felt
lost, the more I wanted to live.
I reached for life, for nature,
and for friends and family. The
foundations that hold everything
together.
Cancer, you have made me a
better person. A happier person.
You changed my values. You
made me realize what I did not
want my life to be. I want to be
centered around things I love.
You helped me find my way back
to the path. You brought incredible people
into my life that I never would have otherwise
known. You taught me not to take the
fresh air for granted-the ability to go on
walks or move, and the beauty of nature.
You taught me that everything can be taken
away from you at any time, so value all the
things, people, and experiences you have.
Don't skip the vacation or experience because
you don't want to take the time. The
memories and experiences will help you
through the hard times when all you see
is four white walls trapped in a room you
aren't allowed to leave. The value of truly
incredible friendship is forged in the deep
bonds that form with the people you let in
at your most vulnerable. You realize the
importance of family, and how so many
of the things you were once preoccupied
with don't really matter. How you want to
be remembered is what matters. What you
want your legacy to be matters. What you
want people to think about you when you
cross their minds matters.
You showed me that I have impacted
so many, and that more people love and
support me than I will ever know or realize.
Cancer has taught me how to live life
authentically. The true value lies in fully
existing-making memories and taking a
chance. But most of all, you taught me to
always take a moment to just appreciate and
bask in the feeling of what a beautiful time
it is to be alive.
ALIQUE TOPALIAN, PHD,
MPH WAS DIAGNOSED
WITH ACUTE MYELOID
LEUKEMIA (AML) IN
1998 AT THE AGE OF
FOUR. SHE WENT INTO
REMISSION WITH THE
USE OF EXPERIMENTAL
CHEMOTHERAPY,
OVERCOMING HER SIDE
EFFECTS AS SHE GREW
OLDER. ALIQUE WENT
ON TO COMPLETE HER
MASTER'S IN PUBLIC
HEALTH FOLLOWED BY
HER PHD IN HEALTH
PROMOTION AND
EDUCATION WITH
A RESEARCH FOCUS
ON MENTAL AND
BEHAVIORAL HEALTH
AND PSYCHOSOCIAL
SUPPORT SERVICES.
EXACTLY ONE YEAR
AFTER HER DISSERTATION
DEFENSE, ALIQUE WAS
DIAGNOSED ONCE AGAIN,
WITH AML. SHE WAS
THE FIRST PERSON TO
RELAPSE AFTER 22 YEARS
IN REMISSION. SHE IS
CURRENTLY IN REMISSION
AND HOPES TO USE HER
EDUCATION, RESEARCH
BACKGROUND, AND LIVED
EXPERIENCE TO SUPPORT
AND IMPROVE THE
EXPERIENCE OF OTHER
AYAS LIKE HER.
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Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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