Elephants and Tea - June 2022 - 45

HEALING Dear Cancer...
DEAR CANCER, YOU TRY TO TAKE AWAY
ERIN PERKINS
Dear Cancer,
I have honestly feared you for as long as I can
remember. A feeling of you meeting me along
the way was consistently looming over me. So
much so, that I can recall telling friends and
family that I felt you would come for me, and
I wondered if you already had. I wondered
many times if you were secretly growing and
I just didn't know yet. Interestingly, one day,
you were secretly growing and I just didn't
know it yet. It was the week before my thirtyfifth
birthday when you decided to show up
during a once-in-a-century global pandemic,
while I was hopped up on postpartum anxiety
hormones from my then two-year-old son
that made me fear germs (of all things). Read
the room, Cancer. Timing is everything.
Still, here I am, a year and two months
past the date the surgeon-who didn't
believe my breasts should have been used
to nurse my children, and who decided to
berate me for said nursing while she biopsied
the breast you were in-called me on
the phone to tell me you had, in fact, been
growing for at least two months inside my
right breast. You see, Cancer, had it not been
for a global pandemic and my postpartum
anxiety, which caused me to fear germs, I
certainly would have gone in to get checked
out when I noticed your lumpiness in my
breast. Somehow for two months I missed
you, even though I feared you were coming
for me. I find that interesting, and I find you
interesting, Cancer.
You see, you try to take identities, happiness,
joy, lives, purpose, hope, and health;
you try to take everything we have and make
us nothing. But I know you are learning
you can't. I know, Cancer, you are realizing
your limits. You didn't consider that joy
and sorrow could intertwine in our lives so
beautifully. You didn't consider the communal
bond those of us who meet you end
up gaining. That's right Cancer, we GAIN.
Don't try to take the credit, though, we gain
because we are " humans being human together, "
like Desmond Tutu taught us to be.
We gain despite you, Cancer, and we grow
deeply into our identities; into ourselves
despite you. I know you didn't consider
that we stay ourselves despite you coming
for us. Like our friend, the late and amazing
Nightbirde said, " [We] are so much more
than the bad things that happen to [us]. "
And we are, Cancer. We are more than you.
I am more than you.
I walk one foot out into what I call " the
cautiously-hopeful after. " Don't be fooled,
Cancer, I see you trying to loom over me.
I sense you there trying to take anything
you can. I have news for you, Cancer, you
already took what you could from me. You
took some time, some hair, and my breasts
and nipples. But I am not interested in letting
you take more from me. I am no longer
wondering if you will come for me, or even
wondering if you will come for me again.
Instead, I am living despite you, Cancer,
despite knowing the chances I have that
you will return. I live with greater intention,
resolve, and I am more deeply connected
to those around me. Cancer, I plan to live
this way for the remainder of my days,
despite you.
It's like I have new eyes. I see through you
now Cancer. I won't let you have power over
me anymore.
- Erin Perkins
" I know, Cancer, you
are realizing your limits.
You didn't consider that
joy and sorrow could
intertwine in our lives so
beautifully. "
ERIN PERKINS IS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM TO A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
AND THREE-YEAR-OLD SON. SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE 2B TRIPLE
NEGATIVE BREAST CANCER AT THE BEGINNING OF 2021, ONE WEEK BEFORE
HER THIRTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY. SHE UNDERWENT 16 CHEMOTHERAPY
SESSIONS AND A BILATERAL MASTECTOMY TO FLAT AND HAS BEEN NED
SINCE AUGUST 9, 2021. SHE LOVES TO SPEND TIME WITH FRIENDS AND
FAMILY, MEET NEW PEOPLE, VOLUNTEER IN ADVOCACY, READ NONFICTION,
AND WRITES TO PROCESS LIFE. YOU CAN FIND HER ON INSTAGRAM AT
@ERINLEEPERKINS
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
JUNE 2022
45
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - June 2022

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