Elephants and Tea - September 2022 - 10

Asking for Help ACKNOWLEDGING EMOTIONS
How Cancer Changed
My Perception of Masculinity
CHARLIE RAZOOK
I
n a small white room outside of Rome,
Italy, with nothing on the walls but a
haunting crucifix, I was told: " Hai la
leukemia linfoblastica acuta. " You have
acute lymphoblastic leukemia.
Alone in a foreign country, I immediately
sensed how helpless I was. I
needed to get home, and fast. I needed
my friend to immediately scratch all her
plans and take the train with me from Rome
to Milan to grab my essential belongings.
I needed my parents to book my ticket. I
needed them to huddle with my American
physician and figure out the best hospital
for my care in New York City. Quite simply,
I needed.
I checked into Memorial Sloan Kettering
in New York City one day and 4,000 miles
later. And surprise, I immediately needed
more help. This time from doctors, nurses,
social workers, friends, and family. This
powerlessness foreshadowed the next four
years of my life.
However, I was proud. After an initial
conversation during which I cried and said
the token " Why me? " to the social worker
on my floor, I would dismiss her every time
she rounded my room. I would not fully
give into the impulse-the impulse being
to ask for help. Every time I asked for help,
seeded full control, and admitted to being
vulnerable, there was an internal resistance.
And by resisting help, I created tension that
exacerbated my pain.
Almost immediately, my doctors begged
me to get on a selective serotonin reuptake
inhibitor or SSRI. They could tell I was not
well. Every procedure frazzled me; I was
living in constant fear. The slightest noise
made me jump. Yet, I would not speak for
the most part. I could not communicate my
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ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
SEPTEMBER 2022
sadness, my terror, my hopelessness. I just
sat there frozen.
After a year of hellish treatment, I entered
maintenance treatment and assumed my
life would immediately return to normal.
The oral chemo was supposed to be less intense,
which I equated with getting my old
life back. Well, spoiler alert, maintenance
is a three-year marathon. I did not snap my
fingers and feel better. When this realization
set in, it triggered yet another breakdown,
and finally, I decided to get on the SSRI. I
was finally broken.
Why had I not listened to my doctors
sooner? Why was I so proud?
I'll tell you why, because of societal expectations
from men. I did not immediately
realize this, but after reflecting, I could pinpoint
all my anxiety and depression to the
tension created by resisting vulnerability.
I grew up with four athletic brothers in a
traditional family, in a traditional town,
with traditional beliefs. This translates to
the ideology that men are strong, providers,
stoic, and never show emotions. For years,
these thoughts made me hide parts of myself
that needed tending to and expression. It
turns out, I am a sensitive guy underneath
the cutting remarks.
Unfortunately, it took cancer to prompt
this self-reflection. It took needing help,
needing to share my feelings, and needing
to cry to understand that emotions are
normal. Not addressing emotional needs
creates toxic mental health and behaviors.
Beyond my doctors' advice to start an
SSRI (which pre-cancer I had told myself
was only for crazy people), I also now see
a therapist, dabble in meditation, and
keep a gratitude journal. I read philosophy
and self-help, I take daily walks
outside, and most importantly, I share.
I share what I am feeling and what I am
going through; the feeling I was once
allergic to has now strengthened all my
relationships. In the past, I feared my
honesty would turn people off. I am not
sure when and where I came to that deluded
conclusion.
Looking back, it is so, so clear that
cancer is not only a physical ailment but
a mental disease. I did myself a huge disservice
by telling myself to tough it out,
that I was stronger than everyone else. I
was not. Patients, medical professionals,
and caretakers all need to band together
to address mental health throughout
treatment. l
CHARLIE RAZOOK LIVES IN NEW
YORK CITY WITH HIS DOG MARGOT.
HE IS REPRESENTED BY INKWELL
MANAGEMENT. HE IS THE FOUNDER
OF JACKFIR, A MEN'S SKINCARE AND
LIFESTYLE COMPANY.
http://www.ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
Elephants and Tea - September 2022

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