Elephants and Tea - September 2022 - 16

Asking for Help A CAREGIVER'S PERSPECTIVE
Living At A Crossroads
JUGGLING CAREGIVING & COLLEGE
ELISABETH DODD
mutual friends were horrified, but the result
was so far removed from my experience (or
experience of any real person) that it still
makes me laugh. The video was five minutes
of me looking sadly into the distance
while a voice-over rattled off generic facts
about depression.
As off-base as this was, it was the first and
most direct acknowledgement of the toll that
my dad's cancer treatment and passing had
on my mental health.
I got curious. I read more about depression,
but it didn't feel like the articles I read
were meant for me. I couldn't find anything
written by someone detailing what depression
looked like for them. Instead, I found
short and detached medical materials designed
to help spot depression in others.
Focusing on external symptoms and how
depression affects friends and family made
it hard for me to connect with my feelings. I
needed something that would help me take
inventory of my feelings, develop better
coping skills, and find resources to reach
out to beyond a hotline number. I wish I
had found the side of the internet that recognized
mental health care as something
everyone needs.
Other people started to notice that I
J
16
ust a few weeks after dropping me off for my first semester of college in 2014, my dad
was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer. Suddenly I had two lives. One where I was
home taking care of him and trying to support my mom. The other was at college,
where I juggled the guilt of not being present at school with the shame of not being
there for my family.
At that point in my life, mental health was not a priority. The conversations I was
a part of were limited; mental health was only discussed regarding mental illness
or self-care. I would listen but was unable to relate to the pathologizing framing
of mental illness. I saw radical self-care reduced to superficial treats like lighting
candles and putting on face masks-and I dismissed the whole concept.
After my dad passed away, a well-meaning friend asked me if I would help them with a
project for class. They had to record a public service announcement about depression and
mental health and thought I would be perfect for the project given the circumstances. Our
ELEPHANTSANDTEA.COM
SEPTEMBER 2022
was depressed after my dad passed. It
made sense, it was clear cause and effect.
Losing a loved one is a major trauma, so
it was understandable and " justified " that
I would be depressed. I had been coping
with undiagnosed depression and anxiety
for years before my father's cancer, with no
clear reason or cause. I didn't know I was
struggling because I assumed everyone
felt the way that I did. I always had difficulties
behind the scenes, but once my
dad got sick, I was no longer able to manage
and take care of myself the way that I
had before. I had exhausted all the coping
strategies available to me as an individual
person. I was already carrying so much by
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Elephants and Tea - September 2022

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