Elephants and Tea - September 2022 - 26

Learning to Cope ADDRESSING FEAR
How Cancer Taught Me
What Really Matters
JORDAN ADAMS
H
26
ello, my dear reader. My name
is Jordan, and I am a cancer
survivor. I am here to share with
whoever feels like listening a little
bit about my story, and more
importantly, what it has taught
me. I am sure my story will sound
familiar to many other cancer
patients who may stumble across
this. I hope you enjoy it.
It all started on a nondescript Wednesday
in September 2016. It's a day that seems to
live on in my mind as a kind of paradox; it
was a seemingly insignificant day when I
woke up, and it ended as the day my whole
life fundamentally changed. I walked into
the boutique retinal specialist's office in
Carmichael, California, more concerned
with my professional priorities and
the length of the drive I had just
taken than I was about the doctor's
appointment itself. My indifference
wouldn't last.
Several months prior, whi le
closer to a worst-case-scenario thought
experiment than a possible reality.
It took months for me to take my complaints
to an optometrist. They found
no issue at first, but the ensuing chain of
appointments eventually landed me in a
specialist's office that September day, begrudgingly
accepting a dye injection and
allowing a technician to photograph my now
illuminated inner eye. Even at this point, I
had no meaningful concerns. I was led into
an examination room, and a doctor walked
in without much fanfare. We exchanged
greetings and promptly agreed to look
through the images taken by the technician.
Of all the many unique moments in my
cancer experience, the no more than 15
minutes I spent with that woefully unpre " Cancer
has a way of bringing the
testing the prescription in my then
brand-new glasses, I noted that
the bottom right quadrant of my
right eye's vision had begun to fog
over, as though a thick, black-gray
shimmering haze had settled in the
corner of my eye. I was new to the world of
prescription glasses, having gotten my first
pair less than a year ago, and thought little
of my unusual observation. I was 26 years
old with a history of good health, someone
unaccustomed to serious medical concerns.
In hindsight, it was the type of anomaly
that should have gotten my attention. At
the time though, I figured it to be the result
of a spill playing basketball, an overzealous
attempt at making a catch playing frisbee,
or maybe I just needed some extra sleep. A
condition like cancer was a universe away
from me, one of those terrifying buzzwords
a politician uses to get a crowd's attention,
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SEPTEMBER 2022
wasn't even aware I had enjoyed my whole
life was suddenly, unceremoniously ripped
out of my hands.
That is how my cancer experience began.
About six weeks later, after a whirlwind of
appointments, scans, anxiety, consultations,
tears, and second opinions, my right eye
was removed, taking the offending tumor
with it. Within a few months, a prosthetic
eye sat in its place.
Today, with several years of recovery and
lunacy of modern life into sharp focus.
We all spend so much time driving
reflection to benefit from, I am happy to say
that many of my worst fears were just that-
fears. The dark fog, which in my case was
more than just a metaphor, has now lifted.
None of the prophetic doomsday visions I
saw for myself at my lowest points came to
pass. But one solemn truth did become clear:
the security I lost that day, the kind
that can only be felt by someone
who has never truly grappled with
existential dread, will never return.
For a while, I desperately mourntirelessly
toward our goals, we forget to
appreciate the conditions that allow us
to pursue them. "
pared doctor are some of the most difficult
to put into words. So many little things
stand out. The doctor's clear surprise at
seeing an unidentified mass in my eye. The
way he stammered through words he clearly
hadn't entered the room expecting to say.
His reluctance to look me in the eye. My
own stunned disbelief. The volley of questions
I quickly fired, as though I thought I
might ask a question so insightful that the
mass would just vanish. The way my heart
dropped steadily as our conversation wore
on. The chasm of doubt and fear that seemed
to open at my feet. Time stood still. In those
moments, a profound sense of security I
ed the loss of that blanket of security.
The presence of that comforting
sense of safety can convince
a young person brimming with
confidence that they can do anything,
that the world is theirs
for the taking. I am sure it has
motivated many people to do many great
and risky things, unafraid of the potential
consequences. It's so easy to romanticize
the fearlessness that sense of invulnerability
imbues someone with. It speaks directly to
many of our most treasured tropes and archetypal
characters, bold leaders who take
decisive action in adverse circumstances.
This attitude of invincibility is reminiscent
of classical heroes and historical figures old
and new-Hercules, Rocky Balboa, Joan
of Arc, Homer, Alexander the Great, Harry
Potter, Napoleon, King Arthur, and so
many others. My mourning seemed to be a
response to losing something I perceived as
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